Yep, it was one of those days. Monday was the worst day I've had in a long time. It was the day that I had to get my blood test done to see if the IUI worked. I had to work so I planned on letting the phone go to voicemail and calling the doctor's office back at 1 when my vacation started. They called around 10:45 & I tried so hard to wait, but figured I really needed to know, and how upset could I possibly be? I called her back around 11:00 and she told me that the test came back negative. My heart
sank drowned. I didn't think I would take it as hard as I did, I mean I've had two years of let downs, what's another disappointment? I made it through til noon when my lunch started & I decided I just couldn't take it anymore & went home. My face says it all when it comes to my emotions so it was a dead giveaway I'm sure.
I came home & cried, talked to Joe on the phone, cried, took a nap, then decided to make a fresh batch of cookie dough & open up a nice bottle of wine I was planning on saving for 10 months from now. I abstained from alcohol & things like raw eggs once I had the procedure. I definitely needed it at the time. Now we are onto the next step, we try it again. I stop taking the progesterone & will have a period sometime this week. I will call the nurse & she will put me back onto a regimen to try again. Everything starts over again, round two.
If I had to sum it all up into one word, I would say discouraged would be the best way to describe the conclusion of my emotional saga. The chances of getting pregnant via IUI are a 15 to 20% chance, just like they are if you were to TTC naturally. I guess most people don't get pregnant on their first month of trying, but this is like our 25 month of trying so it's kind of hard to accept. That's why I use the word discouraged. I'm just not sure I will be able to have as positive of an outlook as I did this first time. I know how I will feel if it's negative, I know that I will have to possibly try it for a 3rd time if it's negative, I know I could possibly have to do IVF if it's negative. It's going to be quite the challenge to see the light & be positive about it this a second time around.
It's still so fresh in my mind that who knows how I will be in a few days or weeks from now. I'm sure that my attitude towards it will change & my brain will be on the positive train again. At this point I feel as though no words of encouragement, prayer, or pity will make me feel any better (yep, I'm feeling that sorry for myself), but I know that it's not the end of the world & that there are such things as second chances. I've said it before, nothing comes without a challenge in our lives & that's what makes us stronger. I won't give up easily, I won't let my self be discouraged for long, & I will move on. Promises I'm making, promises I'm keeping.
I appreciate all of the support that we have gotten throughout this entire process. I didn't know how the world was going to react to me publicly sharing all of this personal information about our lives in blogland, but it's been a true blessing. We were blessed with an outpouring of love, prayers, & support from so many different people, some expected & some unexpected. I can't thank you all enough for your kind words. I will continue to share our journey in hopes that it may help someone else feel as though they are not alone in their struggles with infertility.