Tuesday, December 03, 2013

a glass of wine & a spoonful of cookie dough

Yep, it was one of those days.  Monday was the worst day I've had in a long time.  It was the day that I had to get my blood test done to see if the IUI worked.  I had to work so I planned on letting the phone go to voicemail and calling the doctor's office back at 1 when my vacation started.  They called around 10:45 & I tried so hard to wait, but figured I really needed to know, and how upset could I possibly be?  I called her back around 11:00 and she told me that the test came back negative.  My heart sank drowned.  I didn't think I would take it as hard as I did, I mean I've had two years of let downs, what's another disappointment?  I made it through til noon when my lunch started & I decided I just couldn't take it anymore & went home. My face says it all when it comes to my emotions so it was a dead giveaway I'm sure.  



I came home & cried, talked to Joe on the phone, cried, took a nap, then decided to make a fresh batch of cookie dough & open up a nice bottle of wine I was planning on saving for 10 months from now.  I abstained from alcohol & things like raw eggs once I had the procedure.  I definitely needed it at the time. Now we are onto the next step, we try it again.  I stop taking the progesterone & will have a period sometime this week.  I will call the nurse & she will put me back onto a regimen to try again.  Everything starts over again, round two.  



If I had to sum it all up into one word, I would say discouraged would be the best way to describe the conclusion of my emotional saga.  The chances of getting pregnant via IUI are a 15 to 20% chance, just like they are if you were to TTC naturally.  I guess most people don't get pregnant on their first month of trying, but this is like our 25 month of trying so it's kind of hard to accept.  That's why I use the word discouraged. I'm just not sure I will be able to have as positive of an outlook as I did this first time.  I know how I will feel if it's negative, I know that I will have to possibly try it for a 3rd time if it's negative, I know I could possibly have to do IVF if it's negative. It's going to be quite the challenge to see the light & be positive about it this a second time around.  

It's still so fresh in my mind that who knows how I will be in a few days or weeks from now.  I'm sure that my attitude towards it will change & my brain will be on the positive train again.  At this point I feel as though no words of encouragement, prayer, or pity will make me feel any better (yep, I'm feeling that sorry for myself), but I know that it's not the end of the world & that there are such things as second chances.  I've said it before, nothing comes without a challenge in our lives & that's what makes us stronger.  I won't give up easily, I won't let my self be discouraged for long, & I will move on.  Promises I'm making, promises I'm keeping.



I appreciate all of the support that we have gotten throughout this entire process.  I didn't know how the world was going to react to me publicly sharing all of this personal information about our lives in blogland, but it's been a true blessing.  We were blessed with an outpouring of love, prayers, & support from so many different people, some expected & some unexpected.  I can't thank you all enough for your kind words.  I will continue to share our journey in hopes that it may help someone else feel as though they are not alone in their struggles with infertility.  

21 comments:

  1. Ur baby will come the lord knows when its time . I totally understand what ur goin through . Tho we feel now is the time mayb it isn't be patient n NEVER lose hope and most important faith. Good luck ta u both and always remember patience is a virtue ! Much love and many prayers bn sent ur way . If u ever need to talk to someone on the outside of things I'm always here for u

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    1. Thank you Kristin, I know you can relate and I appreciate your support. I know it will happen one day, patience is probably the hardest thing for me as I'm sure it is for many, but I know it's important. Thanks for reading!! Always appreciated!

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  2. I don't know what else to say other than I'm so sorry that the IUI didn't work this time and that my thoughts continue to be with you. Enjoy that glass of wine and cookie dough- you deserve it! Keep your head up and just know that one day all this heartache will have been worth it.

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    1. Thank you so much for your continued support. It has been hard, but it will make us appreciate parenthood that much more I'm sure!! The glass of wine and cookie dough definitely helped ease the pain to an extent!!

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  3. We love you so much. You will be parents eventually. So proud of you. Don't give up.I wish I could take all your pain away.

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    1. Thank you!! It certainly is a challenge but staying positive is so important and keeping faith!

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  5. so sorry for your disappointment - my heart goes out to you! Fortunately my husband and I conceived after 5 months, but I remember feeling crushed the first 4 months with negative tests over and over including a miscarriage the first month. My husband and I look at our daughter now and say how glad we are that we didn't have success before because then we'd have a different baby and we can't imagine life without her. God will give you the baby you're meant to have - hang in there!

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    1. Thank you for your sweet comments. You're right about having the baby we are meant to have, we are just so ready for it!

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  6. I'm so sorry. I have no idea what you must be going through, except through your words, and my heart aches for you. I don't think there are easy words or clever platitudes to make you feel any better. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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  7. Elana I just want to give you a big hug!!! There is no way you and joe will not be blessed with a baby! Your gonna be such great parents!

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  8. Oh, girl, I'm so sorry you're going through all this :( I'll keep my fingers crossed and PRAY. I'm sure that God is going to bless you guys with a beautiful baby that will be more than worth the wait. xoxo

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    1. Thank you for your sweet words, I know in due time we will get our blessing!! xo

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  9. I am so sorry to hear this attempt has failed. Allow yourself to mourn this loss, and then ready yourself for the next attempt. Your body is waiting for that one perfect egg & sperm. Your time will come. I will be thinking about you!

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    1. I am moving on slowly, I can already feel myself preparing for the next round! Thank you for your support! <3

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  10. I am so sorry to hear that this round didn't go so well :( When you are blessed with a little one he or she is going to be one lucky little boy or girl!

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    1. Thank you!! We are so ready to be parents, I know that working extra hard like we have been will make us appreciate it that much more!!

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  11. So sorry to hear this news. Such a hard struggle and I hope that you get good news next month!

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