Monday, January 06, 2014

from BFP to BFN... the heartbreaking start to 2014

For those of you who aren't familiar with the many terms of infertility, BFP stands for "Big Freakin' Positive" and BFN stands for "Big Freakin' Negative"...

We had IUI #2 done on Monday December 16th after a week of Follistem injections, two Ganirelix, & one Ovidrel injection.  The procedure went well, about the same as the first time around.  I started my 2ww (2 week wait -- TTC timeline & dictionary coming soon!) & was scheduled to test via blood draw on Monday December 30th.  This second time around I handled myself differently.  I didn't act as though I was already pregnant, I actually just did my normal routine, I ate whatever I wanted, I drank alcohol, & resumed all normally activity (advised by the doctor).  I was so much less stressed about it this time around, so much so that I actually almost forgot to start my progesterone on the scheduled date & ended up remembering after work that day (I usually do these 1st thing in AM).  I wasn't nearly as nervous & did not let the thought consume my brain, even though this time I had to wait a full two weeks before getting results.  When people would ask how I felt about it, I would give the honest answer of, I have no idea, I couldn't side with yes or no even when I really thought about it.

I went in Monday Dec 30th for my test, I had been having menstrual like symptoms for a few days prior, which really made me even more confused.  I actually started to think that it would probably end up being negative rather than positive once those symptoms started.  I got a phone call about 9AM, but waited until I got off work at 1PM to call back.  She gave me great news, we had a POSITIVE result!  I was so happy, but I could tell by the way she was telling me, that there was some sort of catch.  She said that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was in the low range, a 20.  She said that I would need to test again on Thursday and Monday & the number would need to double each time in order for us to really 100% confirm a pregnancy. I was nervous & scared, I told Joe the news & we decided to be excited, but not too excited.  

NYE was good & I felt fine, I had nothing to drink & was home at a reasonable hour & got plenty of sleep, but I woke up feeling as though I had drank several bottles of champagne.  I ended up popping 600mg of ibuprofen around 8AM.  We lounged all day & I started noticing that I was spotting a bit.  My headache came back early in the evening and I ended up taking another 600mg of ibuprofen around 6pm or so.  I got up to use the bathroom around 7 & it was like all hell broke loose & I was bleeding, a lot.  I was so upset, I was crying & mad & decided just to go to bed.  Not what I wanted to see.  I was just so disappointed.

I went in at 5:45AM Thursday Jan 2nd to get my blood drawn at the hospital again, went to work, cried to a co-worker there, then got a phone call around 9AM again.  My number had DOUBLED!  It went from a 20 to a 50 in 72 hours so it was exactly what they wanted to see.  I was ecstatic, I couldn't believe it, I was sure that it wasn't going to be good news.  I told her about the bleeding and she said that I should go home, stay off of my feet, rest & drink a lot of fluid so I stayed home from work on Thursday & Friday so that I could relax and try to get the bleeding under control.  She also said absolutely no more ibuprofen, extra strength Tylenol only.  My usual nurse Deena called me on Friday to check in on me and said that bleeding of some sort happens in 8 out of 10 patients who get pregnant this way.  I felt some relief when she said that. She also suggested that we start an intramuscular injection of progesterone instead of the gel that I was currently using.  Joe would have to give me this oil based injection, in my butt cheek once a day. Hooray for more injections (GAG ME!).  I told her I would do whatever would be best & she said this would be the way to go.

Today, Monday Jan 6th, I went in for another HCG check.  I was really nervous because I had taken a pregnancy test on Sunday and it was negative, I prepared myself for the worst right away on Sunday.  I had taken a test on Monday when my HCG level was 20 and there was the faintest of lines on the test so I knew something wasn't right.  I got the phone call at 11:15 this morning (another indication that it was negative) and she said that my number had dropped to a negative HCG level... NEGATIVE.  I got off the phone, called Joe, and cried for an hour at work.  My boss was kind enough to let me go home early & I took the rest of the afternoon as vacation.  I couldn't stay at work in the condition that I was in.

I am completely heartbroken this time around.  I can say that for a very brief couple of days that I was actually pregnant, but it never did turn into what they consider to be a "viable" pregnancy.  I don't have many answers as to why the number would double then all of a sudden drop.  We determined that the bleeding I was having was my period & now I have to wait for another cycle before we can shoot for round three of IUI if that's what we decide to do.  I'm 5 days into my cycle already, & I"m already counting down the days. I guess I have to look at it as though, we've already been trying for 2 and a half years, what's another 28 days?  Well, it's a lot, to me at least.  There is nothing that can be said at this point in time that will make things better.  I know people want to say, "it will happen" but that is not a for sure truth.  I have faith that it will happen & that's all I will accept at this point in time.

The positive side to this is that we know that I can get pregnant this way so we know that the procedure works and could one day, truly be successful.  I almost feel like it would better if it were just BFN from the beginning because having a glimmer of hope, having that BFP, & then having it taken away so quickly is an awful feeling.  I know my infertility sisters know what I'm talking about and can totally relate.  There are so many women out there that have been through so much worse than I have & still are on their own journeys, & my heart just breaks for all of us & I pray that we all get our wish to one day become mothers, we deserve it.  

20 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear what's happened. I know I can't say much to make you feel better, but like you said, having that brief BFP shows there's hope. My thoughts are with you today! :)

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    1. Thank you, trying to stay as positive as possible!

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  2. I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Sending you prayers and hugs!

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  3. How heartbreaking, lots of hugs your way!!! Consider this waiting time a chance to mourn your loss, then you will be ready to try again. At least your body has shown that you can get pregnant!

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    1. Thank you, yes luckily there is somewhat of a silver lining to this whole thing and that is knowing that we can get pregnant.

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  4. Awe my heart just crashed for you :(. Third times the charm girl!

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  5. You're so incredibly strong and inspiring, even though we're not in the exact same boat, your strength keeps me afloat. Thank you for sharing your story, and I send my love as always. <3

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    1. Thank you friend! Always feels good to be inspiring, if nothing else! Hope all is well!

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  6. I am praying for you, this will be your year. God Bless

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  7. I might not be an infertility sister, but my husband and I are totally rooting for ya'll! I happened to stumble upon your blog one day and have been clicking refresh this past week so often in hopes of some good news. You're story is inspiring in so many ways to so many. Hopeful wishes are sent your way. -Xo

    tickledpink.blogspot.com

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    1. Awe, thank you so much for following our journey, I hope to be able to share exciting news one day with all my readers!! Thanks for the support!

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  8. You're such a strong girl, to be so public about all of this. I'm glad you've got the 'what's 28 more days?' outlook - 2014 is going to be YOUR baby year! Thinking of you two.

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    1. Thank you, it can be very therapeutic for me to write and the outpouring of support has been just amazing!! Thank you for your sweet words!!

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  9. Oh Elena. I'm so sorry for your loss. Three years into our struggle and I have yet to know the joy of seeing a BFP; I can't imagine the sense of loss you must feel. But, I think it's extremely positive to know that you can get pregnant...that's the first step! Please know your infertility sisters are cheering for you - this is your year!!

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    1. Thank you very much for stopping by! I know that we are lucky to at least have gotten a positive result even though it was short lived. It is a step in the right direction. Good luck to you, you will be in my thoughts with all of the rest if my infertility warriors out there!

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  10. You most certainly do deserve it my friend. I have a feeling this is your year…and it is super promising that this could work for you. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, I have a feeling this will be a good year for the both of us!! xoxo

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