Sunday, January 12, 2014

How I'm Healing

WARNING: a bit lengthy & a bit random...

The days have gotten better as the week has progressed. One of my Instagram friends told me that the first Monday of the year is statistically the most depressing day of the year so it can only get better from there on out. Of course I am still heartbroken & I always will be. Although it was not considered to be a “miscarriage” since it wasn't a viable pregnancy, I was still, for a very brief moment, pregnant. I am happy that I can say that, but I am also sad that I’m not able to continue saying that. I've gone through the motions of the healing process, grief and sadness, anger & frustration, guilt, shame, etc. but luckily I have an amazing support group & a wonderful husband helping me get through this.



After we were handed the devastating news on Monday, I went home from work at noon & we decided to hit the bar for lunch. We binged on big bowls of potato bacon soup & pretzel sticks, oh and a 312. We went home & laid on the couch & just relaxed together, we watched a movie & I snuggled with my husband and dog. I cried a bit more & went to bed early.  I am so thankful for how Joe handles these situations.  He knows that, at first, I don't want to hear anything positive or reassuring, I just want to be upset & he totally gets that.  He is so strong & he has been my rock since the very beginning of our relationship.  He does a great job of making me feel better & trying to stay optimistic about things.


Tuesday Joe text me and told me he really wanted to buy me a bottle of wine from August Hill (he’s such a great guy!), but he figured since he was going there anyway that we might as well go and do a taste. It was still a brisk -15 degrees and the snow was still piled six feet high so there wasn't many people out. We were the only ones in the tasting room. My boss’s wife works there so we were able to catch up with her for a while over a glass of my favorite Illinois Sparkling Co wine, Dollface. It was so yummy & just what I needed. Talking with her about vacations & all kinds of other random topics really helped me take my mind off of things.

Thursday night Joe decided it would be best to get out of the house & do something fun together. We had a gift card for Brandy’s (which happens to be a martini bar!) so we made reservations for Friday. I think cabin fever hit us pretty hard with Joe not working for two straight weeks now & being cooped up inside, don’t get me wrong, I love having snow days watching movies, snuggling, snacking all day, but we definitely needed to get out of the house.


Today we had nothing planned so I decided a trip down to Bloomington was in order.  My little sister-in-law Delaney goes to my Alma Mater, Illinois State so we picked her up, headed to Pier 1, then ended the day with Coldstone, it was a fun afternoon.  I had about $60 in Pier 1 gift cards and really wanted to update my centerpiece for the new table.  Mercury glass is my theme, with white accents.  I'm really happy with the way it turned out.  

everything is from Pier 1!

Over all, the week has gotten better, the days have gotten easier.  I had two people (one retiree from work & one lady that used to work at Jewel who also happened to retire a couple years ago) ask me if I had an little ones yet.  I just had to grin and bear it & tell them we were working on it.  It’s hard sometimes to stay positive, but when I get down I sometimes like to read stories of other bloggers who are going through similar (if not even tougher) situations, or find quotes that speak to me, or fellow IG-ers who have used the hashtag #infertility. I have to remember that there will always be people who have it worse & always people who have it better.  Connecting with others has really helped me through this process.  I can't thank the ladies of blogland and Instagram, and all the other forms of social media enough for being able to just read other stories or see others who are going through similar situations, & how strong they all are.


I don’t know if I’m healing the way I’m “supposed” to, I mean we all have our vices, but I am definitely starting to move on & starting to look forward to what is ahead for us. In the end, what I’m getting out of this is strength and determination. I know that I will never give up our fight to have a child & I know that I will appreciate pregnancy and parenthood sooo much because of what we have to endure to get there.




20 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I still remember my miscarriage and will carry that little baby with me forever. I still get sad thinking about it, but I know it happened for a reason. I remember curling up in my bed and crying for a day straight. I think we all heal in different ways. You are totally right about appreciating it that much more when you finally do get pregnant. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Happy thoughts for you! *HUGS*

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    1. Thank you!! It has been tough, but it is only making me stronger!! I felt like I just wanted to dig a hole, crawl in, and never come out the first few days, sounds like that is totally normal!! Xoxo

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  2. Oh, sweet girl, I'm so sorry to hear about your devastating loss. I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak you must have felt, but just know that when you really DO become pregnant and manage to carry that baby to term, it will be the most powerful, blessed thing you do. BIG hugs. xo

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    1. Thank you!! xoxo. Appreciated as always!

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  3. You said that you don't know if your healing the way your supposed to. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to heal. Everyone is different and you do whatever you need too. You said you are starting to move on and look forward, to me that sounds like you are "healing" just right. I went through a miscarriage almost 2 years ago and it took me awhile to "get over it." There were good days and bad days. But eventually, one day, it's just better. It's still sad and you never forget but you just learn to let it go because really, there was nothing you could've done. So you just love that little baby in Heaven and go on living your life. Sending sweet thoughts your way, I just found your blog and find myself relating to it. Excited to follow your journey!

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    1. So glad you found me! I love connecting with other women who have been through similar situations, you guys make me so much stronger. I am starting to feel better and I remind myself there are others out there suffering much worse heartache than I am. Thank you for stopping!! xoxo

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    2. So many typos! Ugh.. sorry, I hate that!

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  4. I love your new centerpiece. It is so pretty…and I want one of those martinis. Yum!!! I'm glad you're starting to heal and feel better.

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    1. Thank you! I love how it turned out as well. I don't have much of a decorative hand at all so I'm pretty proud of myself. A little retail therapy always does the spirit good too! xoxo. hope all is well your way, keeping you in my thoughts!

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  5. Let your faith be bigger than your fears is great inspiration but hard to follow at times, I know. And you are right about the good and bad days. And I love that your husband just let you be upset for a little while. Praying for you!

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    1. it is sometimes so much easier said than done, but it's a great saying, and it was reminded to me by a lady who knows all about faith & fear. Husband is doing a great job. Thank you!! xoxo

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  6. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. I am so happy that he can be your support beam when you need to lean. Hoping you have wonderful things in store up ahead!

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    1. he is! so lucky to have him!! thank you for stopping!

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  7. Just find your blog and am your newest follower!! You are such a strong woman!!! Love your strength & determination, can't wait to follow when you continue to follow your journey!!!!

    wordsaboutwaverly.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you!! So glad you found me as well, can't wait to check out your blog!! Thank you for your support!

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  8. Such a wonderful post, Elena... your honesty is beautiful, and you surely are an inspiration to others in similar situations!

    Looking forward to following your journey.

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    1. Thank you, sharing my story has been a blessing in it's self, lots of love and support from many unexpected places! xoxo.

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  9. I found your blog on Instagram and wanted to drop you a comment to tell you how amazing it has been to have found it! You aren't too far from me (physically) ---- (and emotionally ;))....as a fellow IF girl, I am praying, hoping, wishing, and thinking of you always. Big hugs from Iowa <3

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