I contemplated waiting to write this until tomorrow, but I think it's important to capture the essence of the emotional roller coaster that is infertility. I'm feeling defeated. My appointment was at 2 today, and my entire world was turned upside down this time around. It went from a positive, optimistic, this-is-it appointment to a completely disappointing & heartbreaking appointment in a matter of minutes.
Dr. G decided it would be a good idea to increase the amount of Follistim from 75mg to 100mg this time around and inject for 7 days rather than 5 in hopes of more follicles. Last time with 75mg x day for 5 days, I ended up with two nice sized follicles and ended up with a (short-lived) positive pregnancy test. This time there had to be over a dozen or so follicles counted, 3 of which were over 16mm which is too big. There is a chance that all of these follicles could ovulate including the 3 or 4 that were mid-sized, at 13-15mm creating a huge increase in the chance for multiple pregnancies. I had Dr. S today since Dr. G doesn't treat in Peoria on Friday's. The end of the ultrasound I was happy that I had so many follies and never even thought about over stimulation. Then, we sit down in the consultation room, & he says the dose was too high, & we might never find the perfect dose. He said that he recommended that we cancel the IUI procedure to avoid the multiple pregnancies. We could've still had the procedure, but then could've been faced with terminating some of the embryos if in fact we were to have multiples.
I could feel the blood draining from my face as he was telling me this, I could feel my quivering lips, & my tear filled eyes, careful as to not let a tear drop out until we were safely out of the office and down the hall. They see tears & deliver disappointing news all the time, but I just didn't want to cry in the office. We were also told that we would need to abstain from BD, or at least unprotected BD until I had a period. Thing is, we BD yesterday in preparation for the IUI we thought we were having so there is still a chance I could get pregnant and there is still a chance for multiples if more than one of the follicles ovulates. They basically said that they have no idea what the outcome will be and all we can do is wait. He said we will need to talk to Dr. G to see what we will need to do next.
My hope is that I'm not pregnant & we will be able to try this again. I would be so happy if it turned out that we were pregnant, but I do not want multiple pregnancies, the risk is just too high. I hope that we can dial the dose down a bit and come to a happy medium between this time and the last time.
I feel sad, mad, defeated, frustrated, anxious, all of the above. I know that tomorrow I will be ok, and life will go on and it's not the end of the world, it just seems like we are never going to catch a break. People say that the house will be a good thing to focus on now, but what they don't understand is there is no focus on anything else when you're going through this. Yes, of course the house is of great importance to me, but it's not on my mind 24/7. I can get it out of my head if I want, and not think about it for days, but this, infertility, this journey, this struggle, our baby, it's all I think about every single day because it's what I want for us more than anything in the world. I know that we are on the right track, & one day it will happen, & yada yada, but I want to share and document the hard times. Yes, there are tears, yes we get mad, we drink a lot of wine, we hate the world, we throw pity parties for ourselves. But at the same time, we are strong, positive, and determined, and will continue to persevere.
We hit another snag, and it pisses me off, but I know that cancelling it was the right thing to do & I know that we will have another shot at this, & and I know that one day it will work out. I'm very disappointed and heartbroken, but that is what infertility is. A lot of heartache, but in the end, hopefully the biggest joy one could ever know!