When we first started trying for a baby in 2011, literally the day after our wedding, we had no idea what kind of struggle making a family of our own was going to be. I remember I started tracking my cycle religiously, I remember ordering bridesmaid dresses 2 sizes too big because I was certain that I was going to get pregnant and I wouldn’t fit in my normal size. I remember joining Pinterest and started pinning things for a baby that didn’t exist, and still doesn’t to this day. I imagined what the spare room of our home would look like as a nursery and how I would set it up.
Now I’m reflecting back on what I thought would be our reality. Married in September, a baby the following fall. I was pretty certain I would have at least one baby before our house was built so that I didn’t have to deal with building and being pregnant at the same time. How naïve was I?! Now my reality is that people who were married long after I was already have a child, or one on the way, & I just hope they know how extremely blessed they are to not have to go through what an infertile couple does. Some people make it look so damn easy, I swear! When your two best friends are pregnant, if only you could get pregnant, you would all be able to experience pregnancy together, even if it was just for a very brief moment. Then you remember that life hardly ever goes according to plan, or life’s a bitch and then you die, which ever you prefer.
I want to make it clear that I am BEYOND happy for both of my friends; their pregnancies didn’t necessarily come easy for them either. I would never be anything but happy for them. I do have to admit though, it has taken me some time and some unpleasant experiences to be able to get myself to the point of sincere happiness for those around me, friends, family, acquaintances, the lady in front of me at the checkout, etc. who are expecting. That is hard to admit. “Comparison is the thief of joy” is one of the quotes that really stuck with me when I started experiencing infertility and what kind of baggage it came with. Comparing my situation to the situation of others only made things worse. I realized I just needed to accept what our situation was & deal with it. It was no one else's fault that we couldn't conceive so it was not fair to be mad, jealous, or comparative to their lives.
I had no idea that I had endometriosis or anything wrong with my reproductive system. I did have HPV back in 2009 and had a colposcopy done so that a biopsy could be done to check for any additional abnormalities. I was lucky enough that everything came back OK; all I had to do was get a check-up every 3 months instead of annually for one year. I remember asking if it would affect my ability to have children & I was told no, it wouldn’t. When it came to treating for infertility a few years later, the HSG I had in January of 2013 would reveal that there was no blockage or scar tissue, the tubes were open, and things looked good. It just made things more confusing. You get to a point that you would rather something be found so that you could have some answers.
So now, here we are, going on three years later. I’m blogging about it, sharing our story all over social media, having different procedures done, taking different medications, giving myself injections! I know it will all be worth it. It really is what I want more for Joe and I than anything. Sometimes I feel responsible for the fact that I haven’t been able to give him a child of his own. I know it’s something I really have no control over, but that’s probably the hardest thing for me. I am an “in control” person. That makes this an even bigger challenge for me, but in the words of Barney Stinson, challenge accepted.
Right now we are still waiting for AF to show up. If it doesn’t show by then I’m due for a blood draw/beta to confirm if I’m pregnant or not. What a miracle it would be if I was (and there is a slight chance!), but if I’m not they will induce AF with progesterone & we can FINALLY move forward. About the time I have the next IUI done it will be about 3 months since my last one so I feel as though we’ve had a good (longer than I wanted) break between procedures. I believe the array feelings I've had over the last couple of years going through this entire journey have been completely normal, maybe not always warranted, or merited, but certainly part of the process.