Today I woke up after a night of on & off sleep, a lot of killer cramping, and some really weird dreams, feeling ok. Not refreshed, not great, or even good for that matter, but OK. I wanted more than anything to keep sleeping all day, laying in my bed & not seeing the sunlight, but if I stayed in that mindset too long I may never come out. I got up and took a shower and did my normal thing. I put my make up on, did my hair, and put on a cute outfit. I came to work and put on a brave face. I had a few vulnerable moments, but I worked myself through them without shedding any tears. Throughout the day, I tried to remind myself of all of blessings that we already have in our lives to take my mind off of the ones that we don’t.
For some reason I keep finding myself thinking that there is a deadline or a finish line to getting pregnant, when in fact, there isn't. There is nothing that says that I have to be pregnant by a certain time or date. Of course my biological clock is probably starting a slow tick, but there is nothing saying that I have to be pregnant by this time or X will happen…I have to remind myself that this isn't the case. Although I am ready to move forward, I’m ready for AF to show up; I’m ready to do my FET, like tomorrow, there is no predetermined end to this. The end will be that we will get pregnant, when we get pregnant. It will happen; we have plenty of frosties left to try with.
I would've loved for this cycle to work on the first try, but maybe that wasn't a very realistic expectation. So many women have reached out to me to say that their first cycle did not work. That it took a FET for to get that BFP, that maybe I had some mild OHSS, that my body was on overload and an FET is just what I need. I’m hoping that this is the case for me.
I started to think about what I've learned from this process, and what I've determined is that strength is something I thought I knew a lot about because of other issues in my past, but really I knew nothing about it. And that perseverance is a requirement to beat infertility. Simply put, YOU CANNOT GIVE UP. You have to accept the fact that it probably won’t work on the first, second, or third time. If it does, then consider yourself to be lucky. I've learned that infertility is actually really common, 1 in 8 couples are infertile, but it’s not talked about nearly enough. People aren't educated about it like they should be, insurance doesn't cover it for most people like it should. Facebook will be a constant reminder of the fact that you can’t get pregnant, but so many others can. Sometimes you won’t be able to look at it because of this. You will ask yourself over and over what’s wrong with your body. As someone with unexplained infertility, this is always my question. I only had a few minor spots of endometriosis, very minor. Those have since been removed, but here we are with another BFN. Joe’s sperm is good, I can ovulate on my own, my tubes are clear, I am in good health, I have no medical problems, I have two ovaries, my egg quality is good, so why? I've learned that I may never get these answers.
Even though these things are all true, at least for me, I will not let infertility get the best of me. I won’t let it defeat me. I will have moments of vulnerability, but I will always regain my strength & keep fighting. I know that there is nothing really profound or eye-opening in this post, there is nothing that all of us infertile’s don’t already know, but it is so important to me to share my story, share my feelings and thoughts, share the struggles, and hopefully one day share the joys because someone out there will hopefully read this and be able to relate or feel better about their own situation. I know for me, reading the stories of other bloggers going through similar situations really help me understand my own journey better. It reminds me that I am not alone in what I’m feeling or experiencing. I am so thankful to all of you who are not ashamed to share your stories. I will continue to share mine. I will continue to grow from this experience into a strong, determined woman who will one day become a mother.