Needed this today...
I’m not sure if it’s the Lupron, the fact that I just stopped BCP and probably have a period coming, or if I’m just getting softer in my older age, but I seem to be finding myself extra sensitive these days. Whatever the reason may be, some days are just hard. You get on Facebook, aka. The Devil, and you see a couple pregnancy announcements a week, you see lots of newborn babies with really cute outfits and adorable little facial expressions. It’s not that you aren’t happy for these people, it just makes you ask yourself that burning question, of when will it be me? Will it ever be me? Although the odds seem to be in our favor, we never really know the answer to that question until it happens.
The honest truth is that we are hurting. Deep down, behind the positivity and the optimism is pain, both physical and emotional. Physical, chronic pain from endometriosis or pain from a PIO shot, emotional pain from another BFN, pain from a miscarriage the financial burden, etc. There is so much pain associated with infertility. The silver lining to this that from the pain comes an amazing amount of strength, strength I never knew that I had. It reminds me of a quote that I get to look at every day thanks to a co-worker who got this for me as a gift… you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. This is such a true statement not only for infertility but any disease or struggle that anyone faces. I’ve said it before, my TTC sisters are the strongest people I know, and it’s because we have to be.
The last couple days a couple of friends who have just recently began struggling with infertility have come to me with some bad news, a hurdle, a setback, something they weren’t prepared for and it reminded that there is so much unknown on this journey. We never know what’s going on inside of our bodies until we have that ultrasound, is the medication working, do I have a cyst, etc. We never know for sure if we will have enough follicles, or too many follicles, will they fertilize, will DH’s sperm be good, when will this work? So many questions that we sometimes wait weeks to get answers to only to have those answers not be what we wanted. I try to tell those who come to me with questions to remember that this is not the end of their journey, just a bump in the road that we have all had to face many more times than we’ve wanted to. I often find myself trying to remember to take my own advice at times and remember that this isn’t the end for us; it could just be the beginning for all we know. Maybe we’ve just scratched the surface on what’s to come for us. All we can do is keep on keepin on (in the words of Joe Dirt), and never give up this fight.
I know that it’s unusual to see a post like this from me. I am usually positive and upbeat, but I also can’t lie to myself and my readers about the truth of the situation. It’s important to me to document the emotions that I have while going through this. That’s what this blog is about, the truth about my journey to beat infertility. If this is how I am feeling, then I need to share it, write it, and deal with it. I am not trying for pity, I am remembering my blessings and counting them daily, but some days are harder than others and I’m sure that we can all relate to that.