Another BFN on the table for us. I actually have known since Friday (8dp5dt) because I took a HPT and it ended up being negative. I tried to hold out hope that it could still possibly be positive, but I was 95% sure that it would be another failure for us. This is our 4th infertility treatment procedure. Our first was an IUI that was BFN, our second was IUI that was BFP, ended in miscarriage, our third was IVF – live transfer, BFN, and now our fourth was IVF – FET, another BFN. It’s been a very frustrating, year long journey with the RE. Joe is very frustrated that we aren’t getting the results that we are wanting and he is getting frustrated seeing me upset and going through this. And I am on board with him with those same feelings.
What I’ve learned from this cycle is that even when things are “perfect”, science can only go so far when nature takes over and makes the ultimate decision on if it will work or not. We had a A+ embryo, that survived the thaw, it was our farthest along in development and it was assisted in hatching. I had a perfect lining, we had a perfect transfer, every component of this cycle was “perfect” yet here we are with another BFN. When it really comes down to it, it doesn’t matter that I didn’t drink any alcohol or caffeine, it doesn’t matter that my diet was good and I exercised, it doesn’t matter that I had acupuncture. Of course all of these things are great for your overall fertility health, but trust me, smoking a cigarette or having a beer isn’t going to make or break a cycle. I’m not saying that I would do these things, I do as instructed by the doctor, but there are millions of people out there who do all of these things and then some and they get pregnant. Nature is the ultimate decider.
I’d really like to do one more cycle this year and then if things don’t work out I will be ready to take a break from all of this and focus on our house. Maybe we just have to sacrifice one dream for another for the moment. Maybe we aren’t meant to be building a house and having a baby at the same time. Maybe that is not our fate. I really don’t know and neither does anyone else. I have a feeling that I will be struggling to find optimism for this next cycle. I’m not really sure that conditions can be any better than they were this time. That has been what’s been becoming the hardest part for me about infertility. With each failure, the optimism and positivity just seem to start slipping away and you start expecting a failure. I was so certain that that first IUI was going to be all we needed and now here we are a year later with little progress made. But I hate to believe that all that we have been through will be for nothing so I have to keep at it.