Tuesday, September 16, 2014

BFN


Another BFN on the table for us. I actually have known since Friday (8dp5dt) because I took a HPT and it ended up being negative. I tried to hold out hope that it could still possibly be positive, but I was 95% sure that it would be another failure for us. This is our 4th infertility treatment procedure. Our first was an IUI that was BFN, our second was IUI that was BFP, ended in miscarriage, our third was IVF – live transfer, BFN, and now our fourth was IVF – FET, another BFN. It’s been a very frustrating, year long journey with the RE. Joe is very frustrated that we aren’t getting the results that we are wanting and he is getting frustrated seeing me upset and going through this. And I am on board with him with those same feelings.

What I’ve learned from this cycle is that even when things are “perfect”, science can only go so far when nature takes over and makes the ultimate decision on if it will work or not. We had a A+ embryo, that survived the thaw, it was our farthest along in development and it was assisted in hatching. I had a perfect lining, we had a perfect transfer, every component of this cycle was “perfect” yet here we are with another BFN. When it really comes down to it, it doesn’t matter that I didn’t drink any alcohol or caffeine, it doesn’t matter that my diet was good and I exercised, it doesn’t matter that I had acupuncture. Of course all of these things are great for your overall fertility health, but trust me, smoking a cigarette or having a beer isn’t going to make or break a cycle. I’m not saying that I would do these things, I do as instructed by the doctor, but there are millions of people out there who do all of these things and then some and they get pregnant. Nature is the ultimate decider.

I’d really like to do one more cycle this year and then if things don’t work out I will be ready to take a break from all of this and focus on our house. Maybe we just have to sacrifice one dream for another for the moment. Maybe we aren’t meant to be building a house and having a baby at the same time. Maybe that is not our fate. I really don’t know and neither does anyone else. I have a feeling that I will be struggling to find optimism for this next cycle. I’m not really sure that conditions can be any better than they were this time. That has been what’s been becoming the hardest part for me about infertility. With each failure, the optimism and positivity just seem to start slipping away and you start expecting a failure. I was so certain that that first IUI was going to be all we needed and now here we are a year later with little progress made. But I hate to believe that all that we have been through will be for nothing so I have to keep at it.

30 comments:

  1. Oh no! I am SO sorry to hear that girl. I was really hoping this would be the positive for you. I know this has been an extremely difficult situation for you but I applaud you for being so brave and sharing this with us when I know it has to be hard to discuss. Try to remain positive (I know that's extremely hard right now) and maybe when things start falling in place with the house and you're a bit more relaxed something will happen! I'm still praying for you guys and thinking of you!

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  2. This makes me sad to hear, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing despite how difficult, you are an inspiration! Still praying for you.

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  3. Ohhh no :/ Do you ever get: "if you just stop worrying about it, it will happen!" That's my number one piece of advice right now and I am sick of it! I think you are right, the couple beers or cigarettes, and even the worry WONT make or break the cycle! It's almost hurtful when people tell me that because its like they're saying its my fault. Maybe you're right about the trading one dream for another right now. I'm sure it keeps you busy so it might be a good idea to give your heart a break.

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  4. You know I was thinking what you said above, about maybe building a house AND having a baby at the same time maybe won't happen together. Maybe as soon as you get your house finished and all of that is in order then your baby will be on the way :) Of course I don't know any of that for a fact but maybe it will just fall right into place. I know you would rather be pregnant right now for sure though! My heart goes out to you. **HUGS**

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  5. Selfishly, I want to cry for you. I say 'selfishly' because I'm not currently experiencing this pain; you are. But my heart genuinely hurts for you. I mean that. I have a lump in my throat right now. I don't even know what to say... I'm just rambling. God does things in ways that neither you or I will understand. Right now, I pray that God will grant you a sense of peace with the situation but also heal your broken heart. I pray that God will bless you and your husband with a baby.

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  6. When I saw your blog title pop up in my reader, my heart dropped. I'm so sorry. There really are no other words to say. If it helps, you are my thoughts and prayers and I have a really strong feeling that you are on the right track. I really do.

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  7. This makes me so sad. If I could give you a hug right now I would.

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  8. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work this time :( Keep your chin up, this isn't the end!

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  9. Saying prayers. I am so, so sorry. I, too, did multiple rounds of IVF - all with perfect embryos. The first cycle was a BFP, but ended in a miscarriage. The second cycle (FET) was a complete failure - with two PERFECT embryos, perfect lining, perfect everything. My RE decided to add in Lovenox (blood thinner) for my third cycle - also an FET. Again, we transferred two perfect embryos with the perfect lining.. yadda yadda yadda. This cycle brought me my BFP and my son who is about to turn 3 months old. I know it is all cliche and the last thing you want to hear is "keep your head up". I was there. I know how you feel. Keep persevering. One way or another, it will happen. Again, saying prayers for you two.

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  10. I'm do sorry. It is truly exhausting. We are working on getting our house ready to sell so that we can build and I honestly wonder the same thing...am I wasting money and time when I really need to just focus on the things at hand first? It's a toss up because like you said, there are people in even less than ideal situations that bring children into the world. It's something I'm learning to accept...Although not easily. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

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  11. My heart aches for you right now. I was really hoping/praying this was it for you. I know it's hard to remain hopeful but i will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that you can get pad this and find hope for your next/last round(because it will work).

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  12. I am so sad to read this. You are so brave & strong for sharing your story with us. I can't even imagine, but stay strong, you will make it through! HUGS your way.

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  13. Hang in there hun. Right now I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard to stay positive. We even took a break and it hasn't, yet, changed anything. Take it one day at a time. And have some wine. Like you said, it couldn't hurt right?

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  14. I'm so sorry girl, I know nothing I say will help, so I'm just going to continue praying for you and Joe.

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  15. I'm so sorry, Elena... Hugs to you friend

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  16. Oh sweet friend. I hate this!!! I'm so sorry. I hope you keep on trusting, believing, contending - don't give up!!!! I'm fighting the fight with you girl! Trusting that God is doing something in that supernatural realm that we can't even see! Hugs for you xoxoxo

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  17. I can feel the pain and frustration in your words. I'm at work crying with you right now. Infertility is so unfair. I wish I understood how and why certain people get chosen to travel down the path of infertility. It just seems so unfair. I wish I could take the pain away for you. My heart sank yesterday when you and I were emailing. I wanted to fix it for you and I wanted to say just the right words. I'm so sorry, friend! Still praying for you.

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  18. My heart goes out to you, I have been following you because we had a similar ivf cycle timeline. My first fresh transfer was initially positive, then became negative. Just like you I knew something was wrong because I was bleeding. I was so hopeful for you this cycle. I'm sorry how it turned out. I know how much it sucks. Stay strong, you are young and your body is healthy. It will happen soon!

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  19. So sorry to hear this news. Just don't give up... God has a plan for you & Joe :)

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  20. I hate to say that I know how you feel, but I really, truly do. My last FET was over a year ago, and at that point, my optimism was long gone. It's so difficult to hold out and be hopeful when those BFNs keep coming.
    I hate that you are in this place yet again, but know that you are meant to be a mother. Sending lots of hugs your way. xoxoxo

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  21. I am so sorry darling. Wish I could say or do something - just reading this made me feel angry and sad for you, so I can't even imagine how you are feeling. Hugs xoxo

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  22. I'm so so sorry to read this news, Elena. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug! Do you have any more frozen embies?

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  23. I'm so sorry, Elena :( I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, and I know my words won't really mean anything at all. I hurt for you though, and I truly hope and believe you will get your miracle baby someday soon. xo

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  24. My prayers go out to you and your husband. My husband and I spent over a year trying for our first. Those were some of the toughest months of my life. I've never gone through IVF, I can only imagine your pain. Wrapping you in hugs and sending prayers your way. God has the ultimate plan, better than anything we could imagine for ourselves. Xo!

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  25. So sorry to hear. My prayers are with you and your husband!

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  26. Oh Elena, I am so sorry to hear this news! I was really hoping & praying that this was your month. I know that you feel like your positivity & patience are declining, but you still have such a great attitude. You are going to make the most amazing mother when your time comes. And I truly that time is soon!

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  27. oh girl! My heart stopped when I read this. I am so sorry. Please don't give up! Sometimes it's the last key in the bunch that unlocks the door. Love you! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  28. I'm so sorry! Please don't give up. Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to me! I was really praying that this time it would be your baby. Prayers and thoughts sending your way!

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  29. I'm so sorry to hear about your BFN. Maybe a little break to relieve some stress and focus on your house will do just the trick! Prayers for you, sweet friend!

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  30. It's so hard to see you or anyone for that matter to through this. I know you are such a strong woman but at the same time I can't blame you for losing the positivity. I completely agree with you that it's definitely not time to give up after everything you've already been through. I hope you get some more answers at your next appt!! Hugs and prayers to you beautiful!

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