I'm not sure what it is about this cycle, but I still just can't get myself into the mindset that I want to be in. Did I make the right decision to try again so quickly? I'm not sure. I have always really hated uncertainty. I hate not knowing, hell, I hate surprises, so this is tough for me. Infertility is filled with uncertainty, and I think I've gotten better about accepting that, but not fully.
When I got home Saturday night I opened up a drawer in the bathroom and saw that I had a pregnancy test still in the box. It was the second one from a package of two and unfortunately, last cycle, I only needed to use one to tell me that it was negative. I found myself feeling nervous and really uneasy thinking about that unused test. Will I test again this cycle? Well, with an unopened HPT at my disposal, probably. The other option is to wait for beta as I always had before. The thought of either option completely scares me. Why am I putting myself through this? Why am I risking possibly another failed cycle? When I think about POAS or waiting for beta, I feel as though I don't want to pick either of those options because I don't want to go through another heartbreak. I don't want to get the news, have to leave work, have to tell everyone it failed again, and spend the day in bed crying. It's such a vicious cycle and I want out of.
I know that this sounds really unlike me, but I can't deny my feelings. I'm kind of at a loss for words at this point too. I know I'm probably thinking too far into the future. Why am I getting upset over something that hasn't even happened yet? Why am I already planning on what we will do after this cycle fails? I've touched on this a bit before and, unfortunately, it still seems to be ringing true, and that's that eventually, the negative becomes the expected. It's the uncertainty of what will happen, and it's the knowing of what's happened in the past that combine into a deadly concoction of negativity and doubt. What's the antidote for such poisonous thoughts? I'm not sure. I thought that it was to train my brain to think differently, but so far that isn't working. With loads of pregnancy announcements the last few days, (no offense to anyone who's gotten their blessing, I'm overjoyed for you all!!) and a one year anniversary of being treated by my RE and of my lap surgery, plus hormone overload, I think I might just be a little extra sensitive these days.
So far the injections and the entire cycle has gone OK, all feelings considered. I've been really focused on the house since we've had a lot going on there. This last week at work a co-worker that I was close to passed away unexpectedly and we've been trying to wrap our heads around his untimely death. Being preoccupied is helping, I just wish the circumstances were better. The days til the next transfer are moving along quickly. We're already more than halfway through October and I wish life would just slow down a bit. On Tuesday I have a baseline ultrasound to check my lining already. I can't believe it's already time for that. I started up at Curves again last week hoping that some endorphins will help lift my spirits. Whether I'm mentally ready or not, this next cycle is blowing by and transfer day will be here before we know it. Here's to hoping for 11/11 to be my lucky day!
here's my bit of humor for today....