Friday, October 17, 2014

Thoughts on Pregnancy Annoucements




I'm going to preface this by saying that this is 100% my experience and 100% my opinion.  This is an extremely sensitive subject for those of us who are TTC and we all handle these things in our own ways and none of those ways are wrong, no matter if someone disagrees with you.  It can be one of the toughest obstacles for some and I don't want anyone passing judgement about how myself, or anyone else deals with this subject. Please be respectful!

I've been asked this question a few times via email so I thought that I would share a little bit about this.  This is a sensitive subject for many of us who are TTC and I have a story of my own that I've never shared publicly about my reaction to a friend’s pregnancy announcement. I've wanted to share this story for a long time, and I feel like now is the time to do it, so here goes...

A couple of years ago after about a year and a half of actively trying to TTC before being treated by our RE, I had my first experience with a friends pregnancy.  We were all out together at a local watering hole, it wasn't being announced like "everyone pay attention, we have a surprise", it was kind of just being casually said in small groups.  Before I was "officially" told, my very close friend came up to me and told me what was happening as to kind of prepare me.  Our situation was public knowledge by then, I had already started the blog and everyone knew what was going on with us.  I feel as though, her pulling me aside to tell me, she was just trying to be the great friend that she is and protect my feelings which I appreciate.  At this point in time I had not yet dealt with a pregnancy announcement while TTC.  

To make a long story short, after my friend had whispered to me what I was about to hear out loud, I went into the bathroom to try and collect myself.  Being at a bar and going out to dinner before, I had a few glasses of wine in me and was feeling extra sensitive since AF was on her way and we were dealing with another failed attempt.  These are in no way excuses for my behavior; they were just the catalysts of my reaction.  I came out of the bathroom, sat down at my bar stool, and started sobbing trying to hide myself from my friend who was about to tell a few of us that she was pregnant.  I quickly grabbed my things and headed out the door to try to prevent her from seeing me and completely disregarding her happy news.  Joe came out and decided to take me home for the night.

The next day I apologized via text.  I wasn't sure that she had even seen me crying, but we had a conversation about it and I thought things were smoothed over.  It was a pitiful apology on my part, but I just didn't know how to even deal with something like this.  Months had gone by and I was researching more and more about infertility and started thinking that I needed to get serious about talking to my doctor.  It was August and I hadn't spoken to this friend since the incident back in February.  Without going into detail about it, I learned that she was still upset with me and read some things on my blog that upset her even more, nothing that I had said about her, just things that I had said about what I was sick of hearing people say to me about trying to get pregnant.  I told her that I felt that we needed to talk in person and we did.  Sitting down and talking we smoothed things over the best that we could. I felt as though she tried to understand my situation the best she could and I tried my best to be sincerely apologetic and explain to her what I was feeling.  I am happy to say that she has been supportive of us on this journey we have been on and I'm very thankful for that!

This experience single handedly helped me learn how not to and how to react to other people’s pregnancies.  First I had to accept that pregnancy announcements at my age are inevitable and there is no possible way to avoid them, even by deleting Facebook or Instagram, I would still encounter pregnant women.  Even though my reaction to her news had nothing to do with her, and it was all about my anger and frustration at our situation, it still hurt her feelings that I was crying (in a bad way) about her news.  I had to remember that if I was going to be upset about a pregnancy announcement, then I needed to do it somewhere else, not right in front of the person who is pregnant.  I started becoming more active in the TTC community where I would see pregnancy announcements of people who were struggling with TTC just like we were and I found myself actually happy for these people who were fighting for their dream as hard as we were. I noticed how easy it was to be happy for someone that had really had to work as hard, if not harder than us to get pregnant.  I try to look at it as a success story, inspiration, something that could one day happen for me because it happened for them!  Eventually, being happy for anyone who got pregnant was no longer an issue.  It’s feeling sincere happiness that took a long time and a hard lesson to really feel.

I’m not going to lie, my heart still sinks sometimes when I see a BFP, but I always remind myself that it should give me hope for my own future!  That it is possible, and that it's a process and something that I will continue to learn and grow from every day.  The other thing to remember, whether you’re infertile or not, is that all humans react and see things differently and that is something else that we need to respect.  I’m sure there are TTC sisters out there who have no issues with being happy for others pregnancies, but I know there are TTC sisters out there who really have a hard time with it, with baby showers, with friends and family who are pregnant, with being around babies and kids in general and there is nothing wrong with that.  It’s our right as humans to deal with life in different ways.  I just hope that I can give some insight to those who are still struggling with this issue.  You are not alone in your feelings towards this subject, it's one of the hardest challenges to overcome, but I think it's important to try to get ourselves to a place of genuine peace and happiness for others who are pregnant.  

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!  All that we have on the books is brunch Sunday and lots of working on the house!  I promised Joe I would spend lots of time painting the windows since I've really been slacking, wish me luck!

17 comments:

  1. What a brave post. Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine what it's like hearing about pregnancies when you're TTC. Sending you happy thoughts and prayers.

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  2. This was one of the MOST DIFFICULT parts of infertility for me. As we rounded the two-year mark, EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant (and they hadn't been trying, or not trying nearly as long - and many of them got pregnant and had their children before I ever finally got our BFP). I am not even exaggerating when I say it felt like everyone. It was so bad at one point that two friends let me know in the same week, my co-worker announced, we got a temp in for the holidays that was pregnant AND as I was returning from a wedding a third friend sent me an email to let me know. Needless to say, I had an embarrassing break down in the airport and fully believed that it would never happen for me. It is SO incredibly difficult because people not going through this believe that you are being selfish and that you are jealous and not happy for them, when really it is (mostly) self-hatred and confusion and frustration with your own body - feeling like it is completely betraying you every single month. Anyway - this is longer than I meant for it to be, but every single one of us (i imagine) has been in the position that you describe here and at least most of us have not dealt with it in the best of ways - but damnit, we are already dealing with so much pain and heartache that it is only reasonable that we lose it occasionally. I found that switching doctors to get another opinion really helped me refocus and renew my optimism. Dr. Charles Miller and his team in Naperville really got me back on track. Good luck! I'm sure your BFP will be coming soon :) Wishing you the best!

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  3. Thank you...Thank you...Thank you for sharing this post. You know it definitely hit home for me. It is especially hard to swallow a friend and/or family members pregnancy announcement with the dreadful preface of, "well, we weren't even trying...it just happened" or "it was a total accident...oops!"...ugh! I hope one day soon I can stop hiding out from pregnancy announcements, totally not there yet, haha! But I'm working on it! And I am ok with that, it takes time! Hope you have a lovely weekend friend! XOXO

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing this! It's such a real thing, and I totally feel a moment of jealously every time I hear/see another pregnancy announcement. There have been several times after one where I just have to excuse myself to the bathroom and let it out in there. It's not that I'm not happy for them, like you said. But my own feelings of frustration and anger at my current situation, or lack there of. I hope you have a good weekend, thanks again!

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  5. So proud of you for sharing your experience. I have had many types of experiences before. One involved my best friend, and what made it so hard was that she COULD have acknowledged my struggles whenever she called me to tell me about her great news, but she didn’t. When I got off the phone with her, I just bawled my eyes out.
    Another situation that I HATED: this girl I was working with at the time basically wanted me to guess that she was pregnant. She kept saying things like, “I’m so hungry” and she would continually rub her belly. I refused to ask, because it’s HER responsibility (in my opinion) to tell me – not for me to ask her. Eventually she just came out and told me because I wouldn’t give it and ask her.
    It can be hard to swallow sometimes, but I always looked at it differently for my TTC sisters. If they got a BFP after so long of trying, I knew I had even more hope. I am praying for you girl. Really!

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  6. This is definitely the hardest part of infertility. What's crazy is that even though I'm currently pregnant, I still have the same reaction to pregnancy announcements. The sinking feeling in my gut, the overwhelming jealousy, the hatred of myself for feeling that way. I'm realizing that this response was programmed in me over our 7 years of infertility, and it won't just go away. But I do choose how I react to it. And I've learned that the feeling fades and things get better. I have to deal with the sting of it, but eventually I will start to feel happy for the person. And it is also not my fault that those emotions overpower me. They are normal. It's such a balance of being gracious to yourself while also making sure you are kind to others. And it's definitely something that the TTC community needs to discuss and grow in together! Thanks for this post :)

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    1. That is also a really hard part. I only had to deal with infertility issues for 2.5 years, but it doesn't get a whole lot better once your pregnant. It is still easy to get a little jealous and frustrated with the ease that other people get pregnant (especially when its time for you to pay portions of your IUI/IVF bills - for failed cycles no less!!) But I've found that one of the most difficult parts are dealing with the people that truely couldn't understand what you went through and couldn't understand how you weren't jumping for joy over their pregnancies. Now that I'm pregnant, I find that these people have taken the attitude of "see - you made such a big deal and got so upset and you didn't even need to because you're having a baby now - don't you feel like a jerk" ...and it does make me feel like a jerk - i mean a little bit. I felt like a jerk when I couldn't be happy before, but now it is awkward being happy for myself still. you know?

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  7. My parent's good friends had a very hard time conceiving and went through several miscarriages (they now have two fully grown daughters!). She told me always felt so horribly guilty announcing every time she got pregnant because she couldn't imagine what that made her friend feel like. I think it can be hard for both sides of the situation, especially for the person trying though. My heart goes out to you, praying for your little miracle to happen!

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  8. This could totally be my story also. I think I am at a much better place now, 3 years in, than I used to be. Of course in this time span people are on their 2nd pregnancies, but that's just how life is sometimes. I also feel like it isn't a sting when it's a TTC sister and I'm sure that's not fair to those who didn't struggle at all to get a BFP but that's just how I feel. I'm a work in progress :) Thanks for sharing this post, I know it's something we have all struggled with I'm sure.

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  9. One of my best friends tried for awhile to get pregnant with her 2nd (her oldest was 9 at the time, but she got pregnant with her 2nd after 3 years of trying, he's 1 and a half now) and I had a 'scare' very early on in my marriage while they were still trying and I didn't even think - horrible of me, I know - when I just blurted it out. I apologised profusely of course, but I know it was hard for her that I was just like 'oh shit, might be pregnant' (obviously I wasn't and who knows, I might have trouble down the line, though I hope not). She's now pregnant with her 3rd (yay!) that was unplanned lol. Anyway. I'm just blabbering. I can't even imagine seeing people all around me getting pregnant when I was trying; I think you are unbelievably strong and brave. I really hope this happens for you soon :)

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  10. Great post, Elena! I think how people handle pregnancy announcements depends on so many things …the way the news is delivered, where you are in your own journey, the person who is pregnant and their ease of getting pregnant…and even over time things change. But you're absolutely right…everyone has the right to deal with things in their own way.

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  11. Good post girl! I think we all handle it so differently!!! It is crazy when I take a step back and realize that some of my close friends are on their 3rd kid already! I think each of us who are TTC all have different thoughts on how we want to be told since we are all in such different places. At the end of the day, I just choose to make a decision that it's good EVERYONE around me is pregnant, that God is bringing life and clearly when I'm last, I have to be next :) I do agree, we can't avoid pregnancy even if we delete insta/fb, but we can choose our reactions and attitudes!

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  12. I love when you said, "I try to look at it as a success story, inspiration, something that could one day happen for me because it happened for them!" That's exactly how I view it and it has helped me tremendously be able to get excited and rejoice when others are pregnant. Don't get me wrong, sometimes when I hear of a BFP, I get jealous but those are usually towards people I don't "like" or have friction with and so I just take a step back and realize that it's not the actual BFP that I am jealous of...it's a deeper issue. Thank you for sharing your heart girl! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  13. Very beautifully written. I always struggled with pregnancy announcements. Announcements within the TTC community never bothered me. Those announcements gave me HOPE. It was the "oh we weren't even trying" or "we only tried for 3 months" type people who would announce a pregnancy and it would just bother me and make me sad. I have often thought about blogging on a similar topic. I am very glad you put this out in the open. I couldn't have said it better myself.

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  14. That Santa Clause is EVERYTHING! hahaha so true!
    www.amemoryofus.com

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  15. I've cried many a night and I can't explain how much it means to have someone else out there that feels the same way. I've tried to explain it as not really jealousy - you're happy for them, but just extremely sad for yourself. It's something you want so bad, but it's just not happening. Thank you for this post. xo

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