Thursday, November 20, 2014

BFN, yet again.


So here I am writing that post that I feared, but expected I would be writing.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, with each failure it becomes harder and harder to be positive.  At first I felt like things might be working out in my favor since I was having cramping on day 3 & 4dp5dt, but when those cramps continued, I knew that things were not going to be good.  I tried to convince myself to stay positive, but it was impossible, although with each negative thought, there was a glimmer of, "but what if it's positive"...

Right now I am lots of things, angry, frustrated, upset, scared, confused, and feeling completely inadequate as a woman and wife.  At first, I never, in a million years thought that I would be going through this, now, I never thought I would be going through 3 failed IVF cycles, and still no baby. It's been about a year since my very first IUI and although I feel like we have made some significant steps, I feel like very little progress has been made.  It's been almost a year (and 3 IVF cycles later) since I got my positive result from my 2nd IUI.  Things just don't seem to be working like I thought they would, isn't IVF supposed to be the better choice of the two?  What is or isn't happening that should be?  Did the embryologists really pick an abnormal embryo 3 times in a row?  There are so many questions.

Right now my thoughts are, consultation with my current doctor to get his perspective.  If he says "this is just the way science works" and doesn't have any other suggestions for me, then I think it will be time to get a second opinion.  I have already been researching other RE's in the area and I'm pretty certain of who I will go to see.  I really wish that it didn't have to come to that point.  I like my doctor and his team a lot, but what are we missing?  I refuse to do another transfer without changing something in the protocol.  Maybe we need another fresh cycle with more testing done on the embryos.  I don't know what the answer is right now.  All I know is that this completely sucks and I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.  

27 comments:

  1. I am sorry and I do know that every persons reaction to treatment is different. I hope this makes you feel a little hope. I had two failed ivfs and finally got pregnant with our girls on my 7th iui. Believe me, I never thought the ivfs would fail and I would get pregnant with an iui, but I did. Try to keep your chin up and keep hope. You never know what cycle will your lucky one.

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  2. I know i've said this before, but I was a little late on the posting, so i'm not even sure that you read it, but if you are really looking for a new RE. Dr. Charles E. Miller in Naperville was amazing. I understand that won't be SUPER close for you, but he is one with one of the highest success rates in the state. He gave me the option of one or two embryos, which I chose two and I understand your reasons for only doing one, but working with him was the first time I felt like the actual medicated part of the process was entirely tuned in to my own situation and not just a generalized starting point like I had with my previous RE. I actually was even having some issues initually because I wasn't stimulating enough and he was able to fix things mid-cycle and I only ended up with 9 eggs retrieved with 7 fertilized. He is very conscious about overstimulating, which I understand is more the exception than the rule - meaning he'd rather get 5-6 great quality embryos than 20+ eggs and a high number of embryos and risk really messing with your body. I started to get really nervous because my retrieval wasn't until day 16 or 17, which is a super long cycle for me, but he took the slow and steady approach to being medicated and made sure it was the optimal time. The nursing staff was great, attentive, and available and I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. I know these things vary SO much by person, month, situation etc. etc. ....I'm not trying to imply that this is a sure thing either way - we all know how weird this whole process is. I'm just trying to share some info - if you need it. Anyway - I am really sorry for this month's loss. Don't lose hope - even though things probably seem pretty dark right now. You're in my thoughts and I wish you all the best in the future! Take care of you and hubby and good luck :)

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  3. Elena,
    I am so sorry to hear this. It breaks my heart for you. I know nothing will make it easier for you get through this but just remember the end goal. If it makes you feel better when the hubby and I found out we could not have our own children we backed down from talking about it and it was kind of a relief. We don't feel as pressured to talk about having children.

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    1. Thank you, I am definitely embracing this break so far!

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  4. Oh I am so sorry Elena :( I know there isn't anything I can say that will really help at the moment but I'm thinking of you. *hugs*

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  5. So, so sorry for you, friend. My heart really breaks for you. I wish there was something I could do but for now, positive thoughts & the biggest hugs your way!

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  6. My heart aches to think of the pain you must be going through, I'm so sorry. My husband and I just got the green light to start trying to get pregnant (we had to look into possible genetic issues) and I am so excited but also terrified. I hope you get some answers soon!

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  7. I am so sorry love, and I know this doesn't help but I am just so angry and frustrated for you. I understand wanting a second opinion, even if it is just to get a fresh perspective and something new. Wishing you all the best xxxx

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  8. I'm getting teary eyed just reading this. I'm so sorry for another failed attempt. It would be easy for me to sit here and say things like "relax, it'll happen when the time is right" but as someone who has never been through this before I can't say those things because I have no idea what you're going though. Cry & let it out because it is okay to do that, you are only human, after all. I pray for you and your husband and whatever you choose to do it brings you peace and happiness. You deserve that.

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  9. My heart is so sad. I'm thinking of you and your hubby sweet friend. Many many many bear hugs, and a bottle of wine sent your way. -Xo

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  10. Sorry sweet pea, it must be the week of BFN's because I got another one as well. So very frustrating.
    Just know you aren't alone in all of this.

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  11. Lena, like I wrote on your IG I'm terribly sorry for this BFN. I'm here for when ever you wish to talk/email. And I send you the biggest hug ever.

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  12. Psalm 37:4 is the only thing that kept me positive in such an emotionally exhausting time. Every woman deserves the opportunity to become a mom and I am certain that it has to be in your future. I can't imagine why else God would have put that desire in your heart. God doesn't forsake us, but he sometimes teaches us lessons that we don't understand. It's not fair, and it's downright painful, but if you ever need to vent or need a listening ear, I will happily support you. Sometimes I think we just need to cry and come to terms that our plan isn't HIS plan. Once I realized that, blessings started pouring over me. I am going to continue praying for you. Over and over again. As long as it takes. God wants to bless you in due time. He does!

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  13. Oh my heart is just aching for you! I hope you give yourself to find time to deal with your emotions and then hopefully find solace! It sounds like you are still ready to move forward, but maybe with just a different plan or a different doctor! I hope you find what you need! Something to keep in mind during this time: PUSH (Pray until something happens)! Thinking about you lots!

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  14. My heart is just broken for you. I want in the worst way for you to get pregnant. You are not inadequate and it is not the end.

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  15. I am so incredibly sorry for you girl. I was praying and hoping with all my heart this was going to be the time for you. I know how hard this must be for you and if you feel like you need a second opinion I say go for it. What do you have to lose? You really just need to do what's best for you and if you don't think your current Dr is working out then it's definitely time to get a second opinion. I'm thinking about you love!

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  16. Oh Elena, this was not what I wanted to see from you today. My heart breaks you've been through enough this year. I know it's hard to have hope in your heart after everything so if don't I'll carry that hope/faith for you. I'm always here for you if u need a shoulder to lean on.

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  17. I'm so sorry Elena. My heart aches for you :( Hoping you get some answers and insight at your next appointment!

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  18. Elena, I'm so sorry this cycle did not work out. Have you considered genetic testing on your remaining blasts? Statistically, as many as 30-50% of embryos can be abnormal and therefore will not implant. My friend had 17 embryos and after PGS genetic testing, 10 were normal. She could have potentially done 7 failed transfers before using a normal/viable embryo. Just something to consider in this crazy roller coaster of IVF.

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    1. I'm considering another fresh cycles so we can do PGS testing. Unfortunately once your embryos are frozen, they can't be tested for chromosomal abnormalities.

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  19. I've been in this place (like you) way too many times. I'm so very sorry, Elena. xoxo

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  20. I'm so sorry! This is not what I was hoping to see today on your blog. I know it's hard. I'm going through the same things but we decided not to tell anyone. So understand your heart ache. I will continue praying for you! I don't feel like this is your end. Don't give up!

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  21. Haven't commented before but after I found your blog so much of what you say rings true for me as well- went through 4 IUIs (with clomid then femara) and now on ivf attempt #4 (did 1 fresh and 2 frozen- ALL cancelled right before the actual transfer because my lining was too thin). I too never thought I'd be sitting here over 1.5 years later having gone through all of that with no baby. It sucks and I feel your pain ...I'm so sorry you are facing another BFN...it just crushes your spirit. But remember that we are a truly amazing group -we battle so much and have so much determination and patience to start our family that we will be even more amazing parents one day because we have learned these life lessons even before children. Sending you hope and love and strength- hang in there...

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    1. I'm so sorry that you're going through the same, it's truly unfair that we have to endure this sadness in our lives. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

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  22. I just hate this for you. It's moments like this that I really just want to throw my middle finger in the air t infertility universe for being so unkind. Sending you so much love. Hang in there, regroup, get a plan and then move forward with that plan. It's all we can do, right?? xoxo

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  23. I know you are probably so sick of hearing this... But I am SO sorry! I don't blame you for feeling the emotions you do or for wanting a second opinion. I will continue to pray for you. I think this short break from cycles will be good for your soul to refresh and rejuvenate. Don't give up girl! XO

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  24. My heart hurts for you! I will keep you in my prayers! I know God will make you a mommy some day. I just wish the heartache wasn't a part of it.

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