I've never written a letter, set up a nursery, or purchased any baby items for my future child. I was always certain that I would jinx myself. The other day when my fellow infertility sister and infertility ninja (aka, pregnant with TWINS) Rachael shared a picture on Instagram of a "Worth the Wait" onesie she bought for her babies, it got me thinking. I thought about it for a few days and started picturing in my head how cute my newborn baby would one day be in that onesie and how much that photo would mean and what it would represent. It would be 100% raw honesty, a baby born from the throes of infertility, wearing a onesie with the most undoubtedly perfect and honest saying on it ever... worth the wait. Now, it was all I could think about. That image.
So, I bought it. I actually bought two things for my future child. The one I know is on it's way. I bought the Worth the Wait onesie because I couldn't think of anything else I'd rather have my kid in than that, until I saw the Vroom Vroom onesie with the motorcycle on it. There I was, not just one, but two items in my basket, checked out, and confirmed via email that it was on it's way. To some this may not seem like milestone or even a big deal at all, but for me it is kind of huge. I feel like it might symbolize the inner peace I am feeling about this next cycle and about our future. I guess that break that we took and all that we've been though and the time I've had to reflect on it has really been good for my well-being and my peace of mind. I'm eternally grateful to whatever it was that brought upon this new-found tranquility that I feel.
To my future Baby Love,
You will be loved more than I can even fathom. I don't even know what that kind of love is yet because I have yet to experience it but I know it is something powerful and great. I know that your daddy will feel the same way. I don't think that it's because of the struggle we had to conceive you, I think that it's because that's just how parents love their children. Every child is a true gift and we are anxiously awaiting the day that we finally receive ours. You WILL be worth the wait, every second of it, every injection, every procedure, every tear, every let down. Those things will all fade quickly away the day that we finally get to hold you in our arms.
We are finally starting our initial testing for IVF round 4. Today is my hysteroscopy. They will use a small viewing tool called a hysteroscope to check my cervix and uterus to check for any abnormalities. Fingers crossed we're all clear in there! I'm also currently using OPK and once I get a positive we will schedule my endo biopsy where they will check for the beta-3 integrin protein needed for implantation. The doctor has also ordered an RPL panel (recurrent pregnancy loss) although I've only had one miscarriage, there is a myriad of things they are looking for. I will also do a blood/glucose test along with the biopsy. I'm really happy that we are finally going to rule some things out and really look for the issue at hand. I'm taking things as they come, I'm not anxious and wishing my days away like I have in the past. I am ready for round 2, or I guess in my case round 4 of taking on this battle for hopefully, the last time. I am ready for this to happen for us.