Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Another Failed Cycle...



I never in a million years thought I would be writing this post for a 6th time.  Unfortunately, once you go through so many failures, you’re jaded…you can’t expect a positive because in the last 3 cycles, you haven’t seen one, and the one positive you did see was short-lived.  We are devastated and confused because with SO many things in our favor this cycle, I think we both truly believed it would work, at least up to a certain point. 


In the beginning of my 2ww I felt hopeful, but I lost sight of that hope about a week in and the negativity crept in and took over.  I couldn’t pull myself out it no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many uplifting comments I got on my posts, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it was all possible pregnancy symptoms, I just couldn’t do it.  Then Friday came, and the spotting started, and the typical shoulder pain I experience during my period (I believe it’s a pinched nerve) showed up, the cramping increased, and the moodiness was out of control.  I know my body and I know when my period is coming and this was it.  I knew it was all over but I tried to keep a brave face.  I did not POAS because I didn’t need to, I already knew.


On Monday after I left the hospital for my beta I sent Joe a text to tell him that I wasn’t feeling optimistic at all about this cycle but I didn’t want to say anything before to discourage him.  He said that he felt the same way.  I spent the entire morning crying so much at work that I had to just go home.  I couldn’t focus at all, I just needed to be in my home.  I felt better once I got on my couch, I was able to distract myself and relax with the dog.  Joe got home from work at lunch time and thought the worst had already happened but I told him I just couldn’t take being at work.  The doctor called around 1:30 to hand us the news.  He seemed sincerely sad for us.  I think he was very hopeful for this cycle, but he did say that this isn’t the end for us which is very reassuring.  He said that they reviewed the cycle in its entirety and that they learned some good things and some bad things based on my labs taken throughout the cycle.  He said to call when we are ready and we will meet to discuss his findings and what is next for us.


I feel better knowing there is still a chance for us, but I also know that the end is in sight for us too and it might not be the ending that we had hoped for.  I cannot keep putting myself through this.  Physically, my body can handle it, emotionally, I cannot.   I know that Joe does not want to see me put myself through this again either.  It’s incredibly frustrating for him, I think more so than it is for me because he has to watch the emotions and know there is nothing he can say or do to make the situation better, he is helpless and that has to be hard.  And for me the hard part is knowing that I may never be able to make him a father and myself a mother.  My body cannot perform the basic function that I was created to perform.   No amount of prayers, vibes, positive thoughts, love, or bravery can actually make this happen for us although those are wonderful things that I appreciate and welcome because they help get through the process,  it simply comes down to the science of my body. 


We know that there are other options, surrogacy, adoption, maybe no kids.  I am not quite ready to accept any of those options at this time, but we know that they are there if we ever decided to pursue them.  I have had 3 people offer to be surrogates for us, one of those being my best friend and SIL.  It would mean the world to me if she would do that for us.  I hope that it doesn’t get to that point, but if it does, she is who I would choose.  I am so thankful to all of those who have offered that to us though.  It is a huge commitment and a huge gift to give, one I could never repay. 


We will make an appointment and meet with our doctor soon.  I never thought that we would be doing this for a 5th time, never ever ever, but we might be.  This is the hand we were dealt, this is the journey that we were given.  I’m not sure why it has to be such a struggle, but it is and we are dealing with it as best as we can.  We know that we are blessed in SO MANY ways.  We have great jobs, a beautiful home, and (at least we think) a unique relationship better than either of us could ask for.  We have each other (and our Frankie J) and that should be enough, but for me there is a void that I hope we can fill.  Yes, we built our dream home, isn’t that enough?  But to me, I want to fill that home with a family, I don’t want those extra bedrooms filled with exercise equipment and a computer, I want them filled with toys and clothes and cribs, and I hope with all of my heart that I can have that one day.

18 comments:

  1. Elena, I hope with all my heart that you can have it one day as well. Thinking of you xoxo

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  2. I am so sorry you're dealing with this again. You still have so much hope - and that is AMAZING of your SIL to offer that - it's so hopeful to have that option. You WILL be a mother. Thinking of you.

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  3. Elena, my heart breaks that you have to go through this again. I pray and hope that you will have those babies one day. Positive thoughts always.

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  4. I want all of this for you too so very badly. Thinking of you..hugs.

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  5. I hate that this so how this cycle turned out for you, but I know whatever the way you will end up with the family you dream of and you will love cherish and appreciate all the more because of the journey.

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  6. I hope you don't give up just yet but I completely understand if you do. Sometimes we have to overcome lots of difficult obstacles before we receive the prize. All of this just proves how strong you are. Not everyone could survive this and keep going. You are a lot stronger than you know. I'm glad you haven't given up hope but are still being realistic.

    http://dogmomchic.blogspot.com/

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  7. I was so sad to see your post on Instagram yesterday, I thought for sure this was going to be the one and I kept hoping to read the good news. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers love.

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  8. So, so, so many hugs Elena. I'm so sorry that you have to be here again. I am encouraged that your doctor is reviewing and tweaking things to give you the best possible chance at conception, but I know that doesn't make it any better. I want to see those rooms filled with babies too. Im holding onto hope that it will happen for you, one way or another. ❤

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  9. I am so sorry. I was cheering from you and praying this would be it. I literally said "no!" out loud when I saw this didn't work. I completely understand that feeling of it not being enough, and have said that so many times to friends and family members when they try to tell me how blessed my husband and I are, even after what we've been through. It just insn't enough, and won't ever be. Hugs.

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  10. Don't give up on your dream. Take time to grieve and decide what is best for you & Joe. You have so much support! And how wonderful to know that you have a surrogate if you ever decide to take that option. There are so many ways to become a mother; I cannot wait until it is your time!

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  11. So sorry to hear this news. My heart is aching for you.

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  12. When I saw your Insta announcing your BFN I gasped out loud. Not Fair. It pisses me off. I am so upset for you. Take your time to figure out your next best step and know that you have tons of people rallying behind you.

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  13. In my heart, I know that the prayers can make this happen. It's probably so hard to see though. I just know that miracles happen every day because of prayer. I am going to continue asking God to bless you and your husband with a child. I can tell how much you are desiring this. I know that God will provide in His most perfect time.

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    1. (I hit enter too early)

      BUT all of that being said... you will be a momma. I JUST KNOW IT in my heart! Girl you are a warrior!!!

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  14. Ugh brings me right back there. My 5th round was my lucky round. IVF was the biggest challenge of my life.

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  15. Ugh, Elena... I am so sorry - my heart breaks for you. But, I am so confident that you will be a mother... And this journey is going to be such an encouragement to other women going through the exact same thing. Praying for you and Joe - you two are an amazing team.

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  16. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Elena! I appreciate you sharing your emotions and what is going through your head! I'm glad you got to go home and take care of yourself. Please keep us updated if/when you meet with the doctor again! xoxo

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