Wow, I can't believe it, my 3rd FET is tomorrow! There are a few reasons why I can't believe it, one of them being that October has flown by in the blink of an eye and I'm starting to panic that the holiday's are literally right around the corner! The other being that I never thought that I would still be writing these posts about trying to get pregnant. We have been actively TTC for over 4 years now. Of course that doesn't really mean every single month of those 4 years, it was actually a lot of waiting around for cycles and down regulating to the point that we couldn't even try for natural conception if we wanted to, but we have been pursuing parenthood for over 48 months and it is getting exhausting.
The worst part about IVF and infertility is that you don't have a guaranteed chance of success. No one can tell you for certain that it will work or it won't. I know that people have done twice the amount of cycles that I have in order to become pregnant, and I'm not saying I wouldn't, but failed cycle after failed cycle creates an inevitable numbness and skepticism to any chance that you'll ever achieve your dream. By this point, shots don't scare me, PIO doesn't scare me, I don't care about tiny little details that I might once have because I know that they're insignificant and mean nothing. I know that every twinge I will feel after transfer is just PIO side effects, I can't be shocked or surprised, I have little fear or insecurity, I have hardly any feeling at all towards this cycle (and others to come) because I don't know anything different.
Have you ever heard that quote by Albert Einstein, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"... I feel as though I have reached that point, x5. Yes, we have changed some things about each of our cycles, meds, # of embryos, hell, we even changed clinics and doctors trying to avoid "insanity", but in all reality, an IVF cycle is an IVF cycle, and 5 IVF cycles has become my borderline insanity.
I really hate to sound like a Debbie Downer to anyone new to the world of infertility reading this and being excited for their first round of treatment, or to anyone who thought that I was a beacon of positivity and optimism, normally I am, and I am trying to be (I promise) for this cycle because, and I've said it 100 times over, positive attitude=positive outcome, but I've pretty much proven this theory wrong time and time again as we have traveled on this journey and it's really kind of a shitty realization to have to accept because I have based my life on that theory.
What I promised to myself with Tuesday's full moon was to release what no longer served me and cleanse my space by removing any negativity and toxicity. So...going forward from what I just wrote, I will be as enthusiastic and optimistic as I possibly can about this cycle, with every fiber of my being, I will go in with a clear head and a heart full of love for the 2 potential babies that I could be bringing home, permanently. When you want something so badly, when it's on your mind 24/7, when you dream about it, you fight for it. You try your damnedest, you make sacrifices, you take risks, you do the impossible for that thing until you have exhausted every possible option and have traveled to the four corners of the earth for that thing. Tomorrow I will go to my transfer full of positivity and love.