Wednesday, October 28, 2015

FETx3 t-minus 1 day...


Wow, I can't believe it, my 3rd FET is tomorrow!  There are a few reasons why I can't believe it, one of them being that October has flown by in the blink of an eye and I'm starting to panic that the holiday's are literally right around the corner!  The other being that I never thought that I would still be writing these posts about trying to get pregnant.  We have been actively TTC for over 4 years now. Of course that doesn't really mean every single month of those 4 years, it was actually a lot of waiting around for cycles and down regulating to the point that we couldn't even try for natural conception if we wanted to, but we have been pursuing parenthood for over 48 months and it is getting exhausting.  
The worst part about IVF and infertility is that you don't have a guaranteed chance of success.  No one can tell you for certain that it will work or it won't.  I know that people have done twice the amount of cycles that I have in order to become pregnant, and I'm not saying I wouldn't, but failed cycle after failed cycle creates an inevitable numbness and skepticism to any chance that you'll ever achieve your dream.  By this point, shots don't scare me, PIO doesn't scare me, I don't care about tiny little details that I might once have because I know that they're insignificant and mean nothing.  I know that every twinge I will feel after transfer is just PIO side effects, I can't be shocked or surprised, I have little fear or insecurity, I have hardly any feeling at all towards this cycle (and others to come) because I don't know anything different.

Have you ever heard that quote by Albert Einstein, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"... I feel as though I have reached that point, x5.  Yes, we have changed some things about each of our cycles, meds, # of embryos, hell, we even changed clinics and doctors trying to avoid "insanity", but in all reality, an IVF cycle is an IVF cycle, and 5 IVF cycles has become my borderline insanity.

I really hate to sound like a Debbie Downer to anyone new to the world of infertility reading this and being excited for their first round of treatment, or to anyone who thought that I was a beacon of positivity and optimism, normally I am, and I am trying to be (I promise) for this cycle because, and I've said it 100 times over, positive attitude=positive outcome, but I've pretty much proven this theory wrong time and time again as we have traveled on this journey and it's really kind of a shitty realization to have to accept because I have based my life on that theory.  

What I promised to myself with Tuesday's full moon was to release what no longer served me and cleanse my space by removing any negativity and toxicity.  So...going forward from what I just wrote, I will be as enthusiastic and optimistic as I possibly can about this cycle, with every fiber of my being, I will go in with a clear head and a heart full of love for the 2 potential babies that I could be bringing home, permanently.  When you want something so badly, when it's on your mind 24/7, when you dream about it, you fight for it.  You try your damnedest, you make sacrifices, you take risks, you do the impossible for that thing until you have exhausted every possible option and have traveled to the four corners of the earth for that thing.  Tomorrow I will go to my transfer full of positivity and love.  

24 comments:

  1. I love your last paragraph. It is so hard to get rid of the negativity when you want something so badly. You said it perfect though, negativity is toxic and doesn't help in the least. Keep your spirits and and go get your babies!

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  2. So much love Elena!! You got this girl!

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  3. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope tomorrow goes smoothly!

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  4. I'll keep you and your precious embabies in my prayers!

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  5. I will be praying for you and that you recieve the positive news that you have been waiting too long for! Hugs, girlfriend

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  6. Sending prayers and lots of good vibes, I love that you are releasing the negativity & embracing the positive!

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  7. Girl! Excited for you! May this be your last post on this topic!!!! I hope the next one is a BIG FAT POSITVE

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  8. Sending good vibes and hugs your way! I'm hoping for good things for you, lady! xo

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  9. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

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  10. My sweet friend, I hope you know how many positive vibes and how much love I will be sending you tomorrow. Giant hug! xoxo

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  11. My boss and I got into a discussion about IVF because he has twin girls and I was curious. He ended up recommending the RE that I just happen to already go to, which was surprising yet awesome.
    Anyways, they had to do IVF with their son and two daughters and each time it took nearly two years of IVF cycles with unexplained issues. At one point the RE basically said there isn't anymore he could do to make things happen any quickers, but they didn't stop cycling.
    Eventually it worked, but it definitely wasn't the first, second, or third times. Hell, it wasn't even the 5th time. But it did work. And it will with you. You are taking all the right steps and eventually will align exactly how they should.

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  12. It's perfectly fine not to be positive all the time. Let it out girl! I wish you all the success in the world this cycle!

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  13. So much love and all the good vibes your way!

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  14. You will be on my mind tomorrow! I know I say this each time but you are already such an amazing mama. Your future baby is so very lucky to have a mom who is so optimistically beautiful! xo

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  15. My friend and I are starting an infertility support group at our church in November. I'm looking forward to being able to offer what I didn't have for a lot of our journey. Keep it real but keep inspiring. Your story is important and serves a purpose. Hoping for good news!!!

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  16. Always thinking of you girly! We will keep the positivity going for you.

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  17. You are in my thoughts and prayers girl. Hope everything goes perfectly!!

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  18. I was just thinking about you when you posted!! Positive vibes and prayers for you!

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  19. Keeping you in my prayers, girl!!!!!!!!!!! <3

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  20. sorry for missing this originally girl, all my fingers and toes crossed, positive thoughts your way!

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  21. Hi, I ended up on your blog looking for another one and I just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you. I have no idea what it must be like to be in your situation (I had to deal with the opposite situation myself with an unplanned pregnancy) but I feel for you and I can tell you that no matter how hard it seems at first, we always end up realizing that life worked in the best possible way for us. It's true!!!!
    So all the best and please, keep being positive and if need be, just take a break from all that stress and focus on another project for some time.
    Good luck.

    Charlotte.

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  22. I definitely understand why you feel the way you feel! Your so strong! I'm praying for you! Keep the positive vibes and love flowing! XO

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