By now, you all know that I’m a positive and happy person about 95% of the time. You know how important that a positive outlook is to me and how, even at my worst times, I try to look for the silver lining or on the bright sides, or whatever idiom that best describes being positive. But, you also know that I am human too. That means that I have my bad days, I have moments of irritability and anger, or sadness and weakness. On top of that, you mix human emotion in with some fertility drugs and you can have a lethal concoction that can certainly result in a roller coaster of emotions, often tipping the scales of sanity.
Last Friday we were at a wedding where children were invited to attend. I don’t think I have ever been to an event with more babies, children, and pregnant women. It was a truly beautiful wedding, but I could not get my mind off of the new mom next to me with her 7-week-old son Emmitt, who I accidentally referred to as a girl, the ready-to-pop mom-to-be showing off her bump in her skin tight dress out on the dance floor with her beautiful daughter dancing alongside her, and the adorable ring-bearer with his little cowboy boots on, shy at first, until from behind, dad says, “ there’s mommy, go up to mommy”, and he get the biggest grin on his face, and runs right to her. Many many precious moments were being had by others that I was so envious weren’t being had by me as well. Had I not been hopped up on hormones would I still feel this way? I’m not sure. Anymore, these types of situations do not get to me, but this was a moment of weakness, completely warranted in my mind, and I couldn’t let it go. Here I am a week later still thinking about it, writing about it even…
Normally I have a pretty thick skin and I’m not a super sensitive person, I don’t take things personally and I don’t let too much get to me, I’m not offended easily, and in general, I’m usually the voice of reason. It’s just who I am, I’m a realist most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have BIG DREAMS too, but I can pull myself back into reality pretty easily. But we are all due for a good crying jag or a scream into a pillow now and then, maybe even a thrown punch or two…we are ALLOWED to have these moments without having to explain them because we are human and sometimes we need to release all those things that we tend to bottle up inside. We shouldn't have to apologize or be ashamed of our sensitivity.
To survive this journey (and so many others in life) you have to stay strong and be brave, you’ll end up taking risks you may never thought you could, you’ll constantly be pulling yourself up by your boot straps because there is so much heartache and disappointment, but you have to keep moving, and you’ll certainly feel as though you’re losing your mind more often than not, but you will only visit Crazytown briefly and then you’ll come back to normalcy. You will be strong and brave whether you like it or not, & probably more so than you ever have before in your life.
But along with being brave and strong and putting your big girl panties on, you’ll have moments of weakness. I’m here to say that those moments are totally normal and totally needed too. You can’t be strong 100% of the time; if you are then you’re certainly not human. We all need a good cry or a good mental breakdown sometimes, whether we are dealing with infertility or just life in general. Haven’t you seen this meme?
The point is we all have moments of weakness on our journey, whatever that journey may be. I think sometimes these moments of vulnerability actually help strengthen us in the end. I think it's important to share these moments, to show that life isn't always perfect and we all struggle with certain situations. I know that I am blessed beyond measure, and I know that I am a stronger person today because of the challenges that I have faced in my life. I just hope that we can all understand and welcome these tougher moments of our journey's because they truly do make us stronger in the end.