For the 5th time now (actually the 7th if you count our 2 IUIs, and many more if you count natural cycles) we are experiencing another failed cycle. I am more perplexed and more heart broken and I'm desperate for some answers as to why this keeps happening to us when things are "seemingly perfect". I know that just because things look perfect doesn't mean they are, but we cannot seem to catch a break on this painstaking journey and it's overwhelmingly exhausting and frustrating.
We have been pursuing parenthood for over 4 years now. We have seen 2 doctors, consulted with another via phone and we are about to speak to another doctor on Wednesday, if we can't get this accomplished between 4 doctors then I'm throwing in the towel and moving on with something else. I spoke to the nurse at my current clinic at length today via email and she is as perplexed as we are about why this is happening. What has inevitably become the most frustrating thing is that almost 2 years ago in late December 2013, Joe and I did an IUI and we ended up pregnant, That means that his sperm fertilized my egg on it's own and it implanted and we achieved (a very brief) pregnancy. But when we go through all of this IVF crap and have already made embryos transferred, nothing happens! It's so irritating and seriously raises so many questions about the quality of the embryos that we have had so far.
Here are my thoughts about it, and remember, I'm not a doctor, but I'm a stressed out, multiple cycle failure, passionate, PMS'ing woman with a deeply rooted PASSION for conquering this disease so... here's my thoughts: I strongly believe that of the 34 eggs we had retrieved, the 7 that fertilized are all of abnormal quality. I don't think that one of them will implant and I don't have any desire to even transfer our last 2 and put myself through this again feeling the way that I do about them. It sucks, but it's what I believe. My 2nd doctor explained to me that typically anything over 20 eggs significantly decreases the quality of the embryos & that is what I think happened. With my second cycle where only 10 eggs were retrieved I don't think that was enough of a batch as only 5 of them were mature and usable so they really didn't stand a fighting chance to develop which they didn't and we transferred 2 day-3's which failed. Does this sound like it makes sense to anyone else?
We are planning on seeing Dr. Sherbahn at AFCC next Wednesday and I have several questions for him and I'm hoping that he can provide yet another perspective on our situation. What I'd really like to see happen if we do another fresh cycle is CCS testing of our embryos (Comprehensive Chromosome Screening), I want to know if he will treat me for the Beta 3 integrin deficiency, and if he is willing to add a low dose of prednisone to the stimming cycle. Other than that I don't have much more to ask. I might even see what he thinks about reverting back to IUI because I've gotten farther with that than I have in a year of IVF cycles.
There has to be an answer. I need an answer. If I could get an answer than maybe I could make a better informed decision about what to do next. Is it even worth it to keep going? Would it be better to pursue another avenue now rather than waiting and doing yet another fresh cycle? I don't think anyone truly knows and I don't think any doctor will be able to ever give me a solid answer as to what is causing this for us.
We still have some fight left in us for us to be able to have our own child by me carrying that pregnancy, at least for now. I know that I want to exhaust all avenues that we can, but I also refuse to give my life to infertility, I will not do it. I've already given int 4 years, which is 4 years too many, but I know that I will do all I can for some answers and hopefully a final solution to this issue. I appreciate everyone's sweet thoughts and suggestions and love and prayers that they have shared with me as I had to announce yet another negative cycle for us. It means the world to me to have so many people from so many wonderful places near and far rooting for us. Thank you all so much, your words give me so much strength and determination & so much of my bravery comes from the inspiration that you all give me to keep up the good fight. FUCK INFERTILITY!