Friday, November 06, 2015

BFN X 5


For the 5th time now (actually the 7th if you count our 2 IUIs, and many more if you count natural cycles) we are experiencing another failed cycle.  I am more perplexed and more heart broken and I'm desperate for some answers as to why this keeps happening to us when things are "seemingly perfect".  I know that just because things look perfect doesn't mean they are, but we cannot seem to catch a break on this painstaking journey and it's overwhelmingly exhausting and frustrating. 

We have been pursuing parenthood for over 4 years now.  We have seen 2 doctors, consulted with another via phone and we are about to speak to another doctor on Wednesday, if we can't get this accomplished between 4 doctors then I'm throwing in the towel and moving on with something else. I spoke to the nurse at my current clinic at length today via email and she is as perplexed as we are about why this is happening.  What has inevitably become the most frustrating thing is that almost 2 years ago in late December 2013, Joe and I did an IUI and we ended up pregnant,  That means that his sperm fertilized my egg on it's own and it implanted and we achieved (a very brief) pregnancy.  But when we go through all of this IVF crap and have already made embryos transferred, nothing happens!  It's so irritating and seriously raises so many questions about the quality of the embryos that we have had so far.  

Here are my thoughts about it, and remember, I'm not a doctor, but I'm a stressed out, multiple cycle failure, passionate, PMS'ing woman with a deeply rooted PASSION for conquering this disease so... here's my thoughts: I strongly believe that of the 34 eggs we had retrieved, the 7 that fertilized are all of abnormal quality.  I don't think that one of them will implant and I don't have any desire to even transfer our last 2 and put myself through this again feeling the way that I do about them.  It sucks, but it's what I believe.  My 2nd doctor explained to me that typically anything over 20 eggs significantly decreases the quality of the embryos & that is what I think happened.  With my second cycle where only 10 eggs were retrieved I don't think that was enough of a batch as only 5 of them were mature and usable so they really didn't stand a fighting chance to develop which they didn't and we transferred 2 day-3's which failed.   Does this sound like it makes sense to anyone else?

We are planning on seeing Dr. Sherbahn at AFCC next Wednesday and I have several questions for him and I'm hoping that he can provide yet another perspective on our situation.  What I'd really like to see happen if we do another fresh cycle is CCS testing of our embryos (Comprehensive Chromosome Screening), I want to know if he will treat me for the Beta 3 integrin deficiency, and if he is willing to add a low dose of prednisone to the stimming cycle.  Other than that I don't have much more to ask.  I might even see what he thinks about reverting back to IUI because I've gotten farther with that than I have in a year of IVF cycles.  

There has to be an answer.  I need an answer.  If I could get an answer than maybe I could make a better informed decision about what to do next.  Is it even worth it to keep going?  Would it be better to pursue another avenue now rather than waiting and doing yet another fresh cycle?  I don't think anyone truly knows and I don't think any doctor will be able to ever give me a solid answer as to what is causing this for us.  

We still have some fight left in us for us to be able to have our own child by me carrying that pregnancy, at least for now.  I know that I want to exhaust all avenues that we can, but I also refuse to give my life to infertility, I will not do it.  I've already given int 4 years, which is 4 years too many, but I know that I will do all I can for some answers and hopefully a final solution to this issue.  I appreciate everyone's sweet thoughts and suggestions and love and prayers that they have shared with me as I had to announce yet another negative cycle for us.  It means the world to me to have so many people from so many wonderful places near and far rooting for us.  Thank you all so much, your words give me so much strength and determination & so much of my bravery comes from the inspiration that you all give me to keep up the good fight.  FUCK INFERTILITY! 

18 comments:

  1. Ugh. This is so unfair and so very, very frustrating! Hopefully this new doctor is the charm. ♡

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  2. Fuck infertility is right!!!!! This totally stinks!

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  3. I know you don't always feel strong (and you don't always need to be), but today your strength shines through. You are fighting! I pray that you get some answers, some better opportunities, and a baby! Thinking about you. Hugs!

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  4. I'm so sorry! I know everything is so uncertain and with infertility, that seems to be a continuous theme. We may never know why things happen the way they do but I believe there is a reason. I do believe you were meant to be a mom...the surprise may just be in how. We're here to fight, laugh and cry with you. Hang in there.

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  5. I am so so sorry.

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  6. I'm so sorry for you Elena. I have been following you on Instagram for as long as I've been sharing our journey, too and I hope so hard for you both each time that it'll be "the one". Sending lots of love.

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  7. So sorry, Elena! I've been a long time follower and this breaks my heart. I just wanted to add that if you feel like CCRM is the answer for you, you should consider setting up a gofundme account so your followers can help ease the financial burden of your treatment there.

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  8. Hi Elena. I had been infertile for 5 years before I got pregnant. Besides other treatments, we only tried IVF one time because we did not have any more money to have more cycles. That IVF cycle failed. While collecting money for another IVF, we were trying more IUIs. I got pregnant once but miscarried at 5.5 - 6 weeks. Then I got pregnant again, and looks like that's the one! I feel so proud of how strong you are. I respect it so very much. I know that inside you feel broken, tired, desperate and lonely, but it's important to stay strong outside. I suggest that you take a deep-deep breath, and collect energy for another fight. You will get pregnant, there is no doubt in that. It is important to find the right doctor, too. Someone whose attitude is similar to yours. I truly believe that in my case, acupuncture helped a lot. I found a place where they barely spoke English, but that Chinese doctor definitely knew what she was doing. I started acupuncture twice a week about 2 weeks before my successful cycle began, and I stopped the sessions when I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I highly recommend to find a place like that near you, too. It will also help you greatly with the stress. Don't give up. Have confidence in yourself. You are a healthy woman, and you will be able to get pregnant and carry a child. Be impatient, but stay calm. Walk 10K steps a day. Take little to no breaks between cycles. Try Letrozole instead of Clomid if doing IUI. Read Maybe Baby, because it's funny and true (just don't watch the movie, it's horrible). You can do it!

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  9. Friend, hugs hugs hugs. I DO hope you get answers! I am always amazed by your bravery and your desire to do your homework and fight for more!!! You are inspiring

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  10. I am so very sorry for you. I feel like a failed IVF cycle is as terrible as a loss when you think of how much has been invested and how perfectly it seems things are going (and I have had both IVF failure and loss, so I feel as though I can say this). I have done two IVF cycles with PGS normal blasts and have had BFNs or chemicals - not making sense is THE WORST. I hope one day you know the reason that your wait was so long. I hope we both do. Hang in there, friend. Hugs.

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  11. girl I am so sorry to hear this. this just makes me angry on your behalf, fuck infertility is right. such bull. i hope you find your answers soon girl xxx

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  12. This makes me so angry and hurt for you :( many hugs to you girl, I'm still here rooting for you guys.

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  13. I'm so sorry. This breaks my heart because I want this so badly for you. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you meet with the new RE. Surely he has some answers. xoxo

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  14. I am so sorry... I know you are exhausted but I can tell you've still got a lot of fight left in you! Keep on keepin on as long as it's in your heart. You'll know if/when it's time to go another route. You're amazing!!! texasldt from insta:)

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  15. I just came across your blog and I am so sorry that you are experiencing another loss. As i've learned with IVF there are no guarantees and that sucks. I hope that you are able to find some answers. xo

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  16. I too am struggling with infertility and I also blog about it. Fortunately, we have figured out what our issue is, but it doesn't make it any easier. We have been at this for two years and I understand your frustration. If you are anything like me, I am sure you have done your share of research. I know I read way too much and I just freak myself out, but in all of my reading I stumbled across Dr. Sher's blog. I found it to be very informative. He specializes in multiple IFV cycles with negative results and no explanation as to why. I thought it could be helpful for you and maybe even give you some ideas for questions to ask your doctor. He will also answer your questions if you'd rather talk to him directly. I really hope you can find some answers and I hope this helps. http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/ivf-authority
    I know how heartbreaking this is and how taxing it can be on your sanity. I wish you the best. Keep your head up! :)

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  17. Hope you find answers soon. I have a friend on a similar journey. Thank you for sharing yours.

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