It was a week ago today that we got the call, 11 of our 16 embryos had fertilized! Things were sounding soooo promising for this cycle and we were just elated at how everything had been going. Was this going to be it? Could it possibly be THE cycle? I really truly hoped so based on how well things seemed to be unfolding. Then on Thursday when we received our 5-day embryo update we were shocked to find out that none of the 7 out of the 11 original fertilized embryos had made it to blastocysts, the 5-day cellular stage that they should've been at on that day. We were devastated and faced with a decision that had to be made very quickly & without much guidance from our doctor.
We decided to go ahead and transfer 2 of the embryos that were one stage behind blastocyst stage, compacting morulas. Although this wasn't at all part of the plan and we were completely heartbroken and stressed that things were happening so quickly, what I've learned from this process over the years is that nothing ever seems to go as planned. There are many variables that have to be exact and precise in order for a cycle to go smoothly & be successful and many times something happens that can throw everything off. For us, we aren't sure what has happened. We don't know if our embryos were just a little slower to develop or if their quality is just that bad that they didn't progress as they should.
I tried to be excited. Typically transferring & being PUPO is supposed to be such an exciting time, but it certainly wasn't feeling that way at all. The whole thing just was stressful, rushed, and completely shocking. Since we had transferred 2 we still had 5 potentials that could make it, although we knew that probably only 2 of those embryos had any chance of making it to biopsy or freeze. Our plan was to biopsy anything that we had so that we knew what we were making was normal or not. If they were, then great, we'd freeze them and hopefully have them for later use if need be. If they weren't then we would know there was other issues at hand.
On Saturday I was feeling much better about things and just trying to be as positive as I could. I posted a pic and a thank you on Instagram stating that I was so grateful for everyone's prayers and support that had been sent our way over the last few days as we dealt with the situation. A couple hours later I was on my way into town to get my hair done, eat lunch with my mom, and do my errands when the doctors office called. They told us that NONE of the 5 remaining embryos had made it far enough to be biopsied and frozen. Not one. I broke down and just cried for pretty much the entire day as I just felt as though I was living in some kind of nightmare. I couldn't have anticipated any of this at all to be happening the way it has.
Everything seemed so perfect and now it has all just crumbled so quickly right in front of us. How could we go from creating 7 blastocysts our first cycle in July 2014 to having NONE just a year later? The outcome is similar to our second cycle, but I had just assumed that because we had so little retrieved and mature (5) that the numbers just weren't on our side. I am even more confused now than I was before we went into this cycle which is the opposite of what I was hoping for. If my egg quality was poor I wouldn't have expected to make any blasts my first cycle either, could my eggs turn bad within a matter of year? I don't think it's possible, but I'm not a doctor so I don't know.
At this point we are holding on to hope that the 2 embryos that we did transfer are snuggling in for the long haul, but it's very hard to keep that optimism when none of the others survived. It just doesn't seem like the chances of the 2 we transferred making it is very high, but you never know. I am anxious to talk to our doctor and see if he has any insight into what could have happened. At this point I have no idea what is in store for us or what our future holds. We could end up pregnant and this nightmare could quickly turn into our dream coming true, or it could continue to fall apart and put us again in a position of uncertainty and frustration.
For over 4 years now we have been trying to expand our family. We have tried every trick in the book and done so many different types of infertility treatments and had so much testing done & never have been given a reason as to why. I watch people around me have babies, some planned and wanted, some unplanned and unwanted. I see Christmas cards with pictures of babies on them and I wonder if that will ever be us. I wonder if we will ever become parents, will I ever carry a pregnancy, will I ever make my mother a grandma, or Joe a father? I wonder why we have put so much time, money, effort, and hard work into this and have gotten absolutely NOTHING out of it. Not a glimmer of hope, none of the 9 embryos that we have transferred have resulted in a pregnancy, and no answers as to why. For 4 years now all I have thought every single day of my life is this, of course it didn't start out so bitter and sad, it started out excited and hopeful that it would happen for us quickly and naturally, and then when it didn't, we accepted it for what it was and hit the ground running with treatments and surgeries. Now here we are, over 2 years of official infertility treatment and we have nothing to show for it. I am sick and tired of being strong, I'm sick and tired of putting my body through this without any guarantee that it will work. I want this for us so much, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to let that thought go and move on with my life, especially after it's all you've thought about for so many years. Will we ever get to be on the other side of this disease? Will we ever get to say that we beat it? If only we could take a peek into our future to know that what we are putting so much effort is actually worth the time. I never thought that we would still be on this road and I wish that it would just come to an end for us.