Today was Amy’s first appointment with Dr. Servy and I’m happy to report that all went really well! She had an ultrasound and Dr. Servy said that everything looked perfect which is great news. Her next step is blood work which she is having done at the University hospital where she works. Once the results come back in about 7-10 days, we should be able to get our calendar in place.
I have to tell you guys, on Thursday I received a phone call from Dr. Servy personally telling me that based on my blood work results, he believed that I would be a good candidate for a Clomid antagonist protocol with my own eggs. He said that he believes I’ve been overstimulated in the past (cycles 1 & 3) and that he believes that with Clomid we would produce less eggs, but that they would have a better chance of being more mature. I will tell you I was kind of upset & heartbroken that he brought this up because we were so set on using Amy for our eggs. He was really dangling hope right in front of me and of course I was eager to know more.
What really intrigued me was that this protocol is nothing I’ve ever tried before, but at the same time, I have also tried a very low dose of stims (cycle #2) and had the worst cycle of all. I was so torn, once again, between what Dr. Servy was telling me and the plan we already had in motion. I was excited that someone still felt hopeful about my eggs and that’s not to say that I’m not still hopeful that one day it could happen, but we have been through so much already and I really don’t know if I want to endure anymore heartache.
I took a long walk and literally cried the entire time (thanks a lot AF) just thinking about how cruel infertility is and why can’t I just have a child of my own naturally? Why can’t anyone find anything wrong with me, yet I still can’t function as I am meant to? It’s seriously one of the hardest things to have to think about and accept as my reality. I wish that things would’ve went as I dreamed, if they had we would have our two kids and be living our happily ever after in our beautifully built forever home, yet here we are, not one child to speak of, and still no idea if we will ever beat this. I never ever thought I’d be dealing with this for as long as we have been. I’m just so ready for this nightmare to be over.
And that was a big part in our decision. Our history so far, the path we’re already on, the eagerness & selflessness of our donor, and the fact that we are just done with all of the heartbreak that comes along with my eggs & Joe’s sperm. Do I wish they were compatible? Yes. Do I think maybe someday they will be? Yes. But we are ready to get off of this ride, we are ready to be done with this journey and enjoy the next step of our lives. I’m not going to live in infertility forever & at this rate that is exactly what it feels like we are setting out to do. So we decided, together, that we are going to continue with donor eggs and do what we feel is going to give us the outcome we are looking for without taking chances & spending money on something that we just can’t rely on. Without a 100% guarantee that my eggs would work, I just can’t bring myself to do another fresh cycle again.
I am content with our decision and I do feel like it’s the right choice. It makes the most sense for so many reasons and I hope that everyone can continue to follow along and support us on this journey because sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps us going. It’s been almost 5 years of TTC and almost 3 years of infertility treatment and I feel like we haven’t gotten very far at all with any of this. I truly think that this new journey is going to finally bring us to the end of all of this and bring us to the end that we have been desperately seeking for so long.