Happy National Infertility Awareness Week! I hope if you’re one of the 1 in 8 couples who suffer with infertility you’re doing everything that you can to share & raise awareness this week, more than ever. I think most of us try to do this on a pretty daily basis, but this is OUR week. We get one measly week out of the whole year so let’s make it count! Share your stories, share the information about infertility, share anything you can find out there related to infertility. Go to resolve.org and download & share the graphics, share blog posts, share your photos. Get the information out there.
The theme this year is “Start Asking” and what that means is several different things…you can start asking your friends & family for support by opening up publically about your journey, you can start asking Congress to support family building legislation, you can ask about your own fertility at an earlier age. There are many, many ways to “start asking”. Even your friends and family can start asking how they can be a support system for YOU.
For me, I feel like I’ve been on this journey, sharing this story for so long, that I’m starting to sound like a broken record. I feel like there is nothing else I can tell you about infertility that I haven’t touched on before. I feel like our TTC Timeline has been beaten to death on this blog. I don’t want this to be my life anymore. I have felt myself slowly taking a step back from the forefront of our community; less blog posts, less participation in things like TTC Exchanges, watching others starting to take the lead on being a voice that is heard within our community. I am honestly OK with it all. Although infertility will always undoubtedly be a huge part of our lives, I see many women passing the baton on to the next as they begin to finally build their family. I see less and less infertility-related posts from those who have beat it, and that is 100% OK! I am anxious and always hopeful that I will one day be on the other side of this.
I love being a part of this community and I know that I would never be as resilient as I am without the love and support of all of my TTC Sisters. It is the most beautiful thing in the world to be a part of, yet at the same time it is also very hard to see people go through losses and suffering daily. Our tribe is the epitome of strength, and bravery, but also heartbreak and sadness. No one will ever understand us the way that we understand each other as women and couples suffering from this horrible disease.
As we head into year 5 of TTC I can honestly say that I am at the end of my rope. I am so thankful for the journey that we are about to embark on because I truly do feel like this is how we beat this. Am I sad about closing the door on my own eggs? Yes. Do I wonder every single day why no one can tell me what is wrong, yet I can’t get pregnant? Yes. Do I hope that maybe one day I will have my own biological child? Yes. But on the flip side of all of that, do I want off this roller coaster? Yes x 1000. I want off. I’m sick of talking about infertility, I’m exhausted of the emotional toll this has taken on me, I am sick of not being the one who gets to post a pregnancy announcement. I want to move on, not to the next chapter, but the next book of my life. Entering into my thirties in just 44 short days, I will not spend another 5 years letting infertility dictate my life. I’m not sure what the next decade of my life will look like, but I know I do not want infertility to be even a sliver of it. I want to kick its fucking ass and celebrate a victory that I know will bring so much satisfaction.
One thing is for sure, I will never FORGET what infertility did to me. How bitter it made me, how relationships were strained, how I had to feel like I was in competition with others, how I felt like a failure as a women who could not provide a child to her husband, how I envied anyone who got pregnant, how much time, money, and effort was spent at doctors’ offices, how we traveled north, west, east, and pretty damn far south for treatment, how many times I had to give myself injections, how many times Joe had to give me an injection in the ass with an inch & a half long needle full of oil, how many thousands of tears were shed, how I had to lose two babies, so much negativity, so much hurt, and pain, and grief. But in the end, I can tell you 100% I do not hold any grudges, I do not hold on to anger, I CAN and have sincerely apologized for my actions that were caused by my struggle, I am at peace with my situation, and I am also 100% grateful that it was given to me because I would never have the tribe I have today, I never would be the WARRIOR that I am, that we all are, today if it were not for this horrendous disease.
This is only a tiny piece of the puzzle of infertility, sometimes we are positive beams of light, and sometimes when we’re being honest about how it makes us really feel, we have to share these raw emotions with the world. Transparency about this disease is so important. Life is not perfect, if I didn’t have infertility I’d probably be advocating for something else because life always throws us the unexpected.