Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Share's Walk of Remembrance & the Wave of Light




In honor of October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I am dedicating this post Share's Walk of Remembrance & the Wave of Light in support of infertility and pregnancy loss and shattering the stigma.  For a full list of blogger participants in our blog tour, please go to to Justine's Blog Ever Upward. 

Did you know that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage?  That is an alarming number in my opinion.  Pregnancy loss is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through and being an active participant in the TTC community for so many years I’ve seen more loss than I ever wish I did.  I’ve seen couples suffer multiple losses at different stages of their pregnancy and it’s truly so heartbreaking to watch someone go through.  You try to find the right words to comfort them, but you know deep down there is nothing that can be said.  The most you can do is send them love, support, and strength so that they know that they are not alone.

When we first stopped  pregnancy prevention a few months before our wedding in the summer of 2011, I thought conception would be easy, I thought a couple of months, maybe some help with ovulation predictors, nothing more than that, and bam, we’d be pregnant by Christmas.  Oh how na├»ve I was!  I had not the slightest inkling of what was to come for us over the next 5 years.  I had no idea the precise, intricate, and literal flawless execution of timing and detail that it took to make a baby.  Finally, after two years of trying, we knew we needed help and we hopped on the infertility treatment train (or should I say, roller coaster) thinking, once again, we’d get pregnant quickly. 

We did our first IUI in October of 2013 using Clomid to produce a nice follicle or two.  That round failed and we immediately moved on to injectables in December.  My nurse said it was more aggressive and I was all about that.  By this time we had been trying well over two years and I wanted it so badly, I’d do anything.  We were shocked to learn 14 days after our procedure that I was in fact, pregnant!   But, we had to be cautiously optimistic as our beta came back at 20, which is relatively low.  My nurse reassured me that she had seen many low betas turn into full-term pregnancies and ordered me back for more blood work 2 days later.  Our second beta came back at 50 and we were thrilled, our number had more than doubled in the 48 hour period and we thought maybe we were just on the slow end of things.

I was due back for beta #3 on Monday and then over the weekend, it happened, lots of bright red blood, and painful cramping the day before our test.  I tried to stay optimistic; at this point in our journey I knew very little about fertility treatment, miscarriage, IVF, all of it, I was just a rookie at that time.  I went in for beta early Monday and then had my worst fears confirmed a few hours later, beta had dropped below 0 and I was having a chemical pregnancy.

In the beginning I didn’t realize how much those few days of pregnancy would mean to me.  It took me two and a half more years, three fresh rounds of IVF, three frozen rounds of IVF, nine embryos with my own eggs transferred, a beautiful egg donor, two trips to Georgia, and finally one perfect donor egg embryo placed carefully into my womb exactly two and a half years to the day later before I would ever get pregnant again.  Only 1 of the 9 embryos of my own eggs transferred ever resulted in a pregnancy and that beta was an 8, hardly enough to even be considered pregnant at all.  I had always held onto that first pregnancy way back in 2013 as a sign that I would one day carry a baby to full-term.  I didn’t know that it would take every bit of effort and determination I had inside of me to get there.   Now we have our miracle baby girl on the way and we wouldn't change a thing about all of the effort it took to get us here.

I guess the point of my ramblings is that, whether you know you’re pregnant for 3 days or 3 months, a loss is a loss and everyone has the right to handle them and grieve through them as they see fit.  No one should ever feel that the loss of their baby is less significant because their loss happened earlier than someone else’s.  A baby is a baby and a loss is a loss.  I encourage you to share your story, as too many families grieve in silence. 

Don't forget to check out Laura's blog post from last Thursday and continue on the tour with Lindsey's blog tomorrow.

On October 15th please light a candle at 7pm (same time in all time zones) for 1 hour, there will be a continuous Wave of Light over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Also, be sure to share your photos to social media using #ShareWalk2046 and you Wave of Light candles using #WaveofLight and #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness

3 comments:

  1. I love this. Ryan and I had an early miscarriage with our second pregnancy before Porter, and it was one of the hardest things I ever experienced - and one I never thought I'd have to deal with. Also, as a prior egg donor - you know this means the world to me. Thanks for sharing, Elena <3

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  2. Thank you for sharing! It takes courage to do so. The more of us that can find a way to share, the more support we can all feel.

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  3. Your story is amazing. You are right...it doesn't matter how long you know you are pregnant...mine was a matter of hours. I processed the fact that I was pregnant (fear, nervousness, and then excitement), heard the heartbeat (a moment I will NEVER forget), and then learned that it was ectopic. My baby was there and then gone in a matter of moments...but it still impacts me so deeply. I am so excited for you! And it gives me faith that I will one day hold a baby of my own. <3

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